Forgiveness does not change the past

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.
-- Paul Boese

Lately I've been working to get in touch with this inner child of mine, the one leaping with/living for joy and contentment somewhere deep within the folds of my Self. Folks from John Bradshaw to the late great Carl Jung have talked about this inner, divine child as the child in each of us who is our true, spiritual, unencumbered Self but who, somewhere along our childhood path, was wounded and, resultantly, developed a shell/mask/false Self to protect it from the blows to its inherently pure/good authentic Self. As we got older, this masked/unhealed kid who has a tendency to be co-dependent, get lost in crippling addictions, has trust and intimacy issues, and feels relentless emptiness/apathy/sadness took over our adult lives and dictated our responses in everything we did. My inner kid has been acting out/in for years, fighting to be heard and validated. It's high time I look at/after the little girl who resides in me.

I hadn't given a lot of credence to the inner child work. Heck, I believed whatever was going on with me at any given time was the result of a choice I had made and that was the end of it. But then I began to look at the choices I continued to make over and over and wondered why I made those same choices, especially when I knew I'd get the same results. There had to be a reason I continued to accumulate stuff, or a reason my spending was so undisciplined. There had to be a reason for these overwrought/inflated/out of control emotions. Perhaps I am responding as a result of some pains from long ago.

Inner child therapy posits that somewhere during your childhood, something happened that perhaps made you feel ashamed, guilty, abandoned, afraid/terrorized, unsafe, etc. and all of these feelings were the consequence of what parents and/or other caregivers did to you. Inner child work says that the feelings were happened upon you because your parents and caregivers themselves were wounded and parented you through their wounded Self. Ultimately, you feel the way you do, live the life you live because your parents didn't heal/know any better.

In my case, I can't blame my parents. They were absolutely awesome to the little chicky in me. They showed/gave me and my sister unconditional love, protected us from evils known and unknown, and made sure we had everything we needed to be smart, educated and well-cultured girls who would then become productive, contributing, and classy women. They have their flaws, like we all do, but, as parents, my mama and daddy should receive God's highest reward of "well done" when it's their turn to see heaven.

No, it wasn't in my home during infancy, toddlerhood, or preschool where the little one in me received her injuries/dents/scratches/wrongs. It was in my elementary, middle, and high school years at elementary, middle, and high school.

It was the wounded kids around me who wounded the kid I was.

I was the tall and lanky kid with thick glasses; the one with the large forehead and even larger nose; the one whose chin seemed as elongated and pointy as her legs were long. I was the kid who was brainy yet wacky/chatty yet socially clumsy/well-behaved yet sly. At school, I was that kid who didn't wear the "hip" clothes; my mother made everything we wore – except for the Girl Scout uniforms we wore on Picture Day. Because my mom was a teacher, my schools and teachers were hand-selected and on the 1970's rotary speed dial. That meant I was often the teacher's pet, did/could do no wrong, and got special recognition/praise that the other kids didn't get. The school bus stopped right in front of our house and the bus driver would wait patiently as mama wrapped us in our matching puffy coats or daddy handed us our matching ballet-inspired lunchboxes. I sat at the front of the bus because mama said Rosa Parks did; besides that, the loud kids who teased sat in the back and every day I could tell they were ready to pounce on the four-eyed, goofy, goody-two-shoes chick they believed I was. I'd keep my hood on and head down for the entire ride to school where I could then tuck myself near the teacher who would protect me.

… until we got to the playground. It was there that all those characteristics, peculiarities, and special treatments led to the teasing and ridicule. The playground was where they wouldn't share the ball/pick me for the team/play the patty-cake games with me/be my boyfriend/talk behind my back/let me in on the latest news. I'd return from recess emotionally battered and bruised and spend the rest of the day withdrawn and vowing to concentrate only on things academic.

… until I got to high school where it seemed all the kids around me were smart with little effort. They mastered chemistry and calculus. They spoke Latin and German. They would not be seen in the "shop" hallway. AND, they were cool! Everybody knew their names. They sat together in the cafeteria. They lived on the same side of town. They knew stuff about one another that was funny and things that were inside jokes. And my mom didn't know many of the teacher's in high school so for lots of the time I was on my own. By myself and an outsider.

I know most of this sounds like what lots of kids go through. Certainly my experiences were not much different from anyone else's; we were all impacted in some way by the things that other kids did to us or who we perceived them to be. And, after all, many people would argue, all that was a part of growing up AND I survived it. But, my survival was hard-pressed. I got stuck in some places, took what the kids said/who I believed they were at face value, and let all of it define/drive me. And I allowed my Self to grow into adulthood unexamined/flattened, never stopping to throw light on/set straight what I had come to believe about myself. Instead, I put on a Superwoman suit, went impulsively on my way, and set out to never show how hurt, inadequate, afraid, and shamed I felt.

And I'm so tired. This blue cat suit with the big a— belt is heavy. It also doesn't fit anymore.

In order to move forward today and begin to live in a more genuine manner, in order to recoup/rescue the lovable/trusting/optimistic/resilient/fun kid who's covered by layers of feigned adultness, I must begin to forgive the other wounded kids who lost their optimism/resiliency/fun somewhere along the way. I must forgive the teasing and ridicule of 3rd graders; the disparaging gossip of 6th graders; and the exclusionary practices of 10th graders. I have to see them all as God's babies who were also trying to find a place to fit. And while to my child Self they seemed to have found a place that ultimately kept me out, I have to realize that they were just as afraid and confused as I was.

I must also ask my little Self for forgiveness – forgiveness for leaving her behind and buying into the travesties that covered her up/changed her outlook/stunted her emotional growth. I have to apologize and let her know that at the time I just didn't know any better. And now that I know what I know, I can apologize to her, tell her I love her, always tell her the truth, give her hugs via affirmations, and, of course, never leave her again. That's definitely something she needs to know/feel. I can tell my little one a different/more accurate /much more righteous story than the one she got stuck on, and I can introduce her to and tell her about the wonderful opportunities she and I will get to experience now that we're getting free. I can teach my girl new ways of responding to/managing life's inevitable challenges. And I'll tell her all about God, how He loves us both so much, and how He's been planning for me to come back and get her for years.

I'm looking forward to reclaiming and being a cheerleader to the little one in me. I know she's fabulous because God made her that way. I can't wait to strip off the layers and see who she really is. I hope I didn't smother her; I hope she still knows how to breathe. I hope the light doesn't hurt her eyes and the air isn't too oppressive for her. I hope she didn't forget how to double dutch, sing off key on purpose, pretend she was Wonder Woman, or believe that butterflies were heavenly fairies.

I just hope she'll forgive me for taking so long.

One of the most painful lessons

One of the most painful lessons is learning how to appreciate the hush of winter, when more growth takes place underground than above ground, and there in quiet, unnoticeable ways.
-- Renita J. Weems, Listening for God


These days, I feel like a tree whose autumn leaves are strewn everywhere the wind has blown them. Some of the leaves I've shed are brittle because they fell so long ago and have lain on the ground for many, many years. Other leaves that have fallen are not as easily crunched for they just fell from me, though they are still just as fragile. And, while these leaves have fallen because I don't need them anymore – I'm preparing to make new ones – I'm tired of looking at them scattered about the ground. I need more than a leaf blower that/who will simply blow them into neat piles only for the wind to come along and rescatter them beneath my feet, keeping my roots (core/heart) from breathing and getting fresh air. The tree that is me needs something to gather those dry, colorless, and dead leaves; mulch them up; and make them into something usable, something that will provide sustenance for seasons to come and protection from the weeds that often creep up around me.

I explained the short version of this to a friend who offered that perhaps the "wind" in my analogy is God who is actually rearranging/reworking/blowing things around in my life to remind me that He has a purpose/plan/calling for me and if I just allow Him to/watch Him breathe my way, then I will see how any and all of this season makes good sense. Friend said that even those leaves that returned to the floor of my feet were lovingly placed there by the Wind for examination/response/resolution.

Don't you just love when people help you make sense of the madness in your head?

What I'm realizing more than anything right now is that all the leaves of my tree have been blown to the ground, I am bare/stripped, and it is in fact wintertime in my life. The season for me is dormant and everything seems at a standstill/cold/hushed/in hibernation. The Wind has required such.

But, below the wintertime ground, my senses are alive. I can feel – boy, can I feel! – hear, see, taste, and smell. However, the meaning/authenticity/depth of what I'm feeling, hearing, and seeing has yet to be revealed/take sprout. What I taste and smell has the tang of redemption/wholeness, but its full flavor is still maturing in the soil/soul.

Below the surface, I feel the roots of self-acceptance/forgiveness/joy developing. I notice things that were once staples/mandatory no longer feel necessary/acceptable. Incorrect/rebellious/radical/blasphemous beliefs that existed and defined me are being invalidated/plowed up/replaced with great supplies of truth/certainty/faithfulness. There is a trembling underground that cannot be contrived/denied/that can only be the Lord sending light through.

Though sometimes it feels that this wintertime may last a long while for some days/moments I get its aim/value/instruction/commands and can effortlessly/prayerfully insert my Self into its plot, enjoying both the tranquility and rouse I get from the chilled air. But, on other days, all I feel is wintertime's harshness/gloom/aloofness. And I get stuck in it, screaming for warmer, sunnier days; yearning for less bareness/dreariness; demanding to be clothed again, and soon, in a covering that wraps/protects/conceals the unpleasant/imperfections/troubles that just won't hide when the trees are bare. I cry out for the foliage of Spring! I even mull over/mope for the return of my dying leaves.

But thus is the purpose of my wintertime – to learn not to be ashamed/afraid of bareness/vulnerability/transparency/honesty; to never again seek flora that veils/deceives/pretends; to let go of what was useless/unsuited/life-draining; to bloom in the bleakness of where I am so that when Spring does appear – and it always does, I am prepared to pollinate (give/serve/reach out) in the new world around me.

In my wintertime, I will respect winter's natural timetable/significance. I will rest/come up for air, just as all of nature's plants and animals do, so that my spirit/soul can be revived, so that God's perfect timing can have its way. Underground, I will take comfort in the God of patience and consolation and consign my Self to His work/design on my life. While my world is dormant/still, I will gently cover my Self in God's blanket of truth/love/favor/mercy while He allows His winds to settle me around.

And when my fated leaves of Spring return, I will be even more thankful for the respite/tending of my wintertime.

Go back to bed.

'Go back to bed', said the omniscient interior voice, because you don't need to know the final answer right now, at three o'clock in the morning on a Thursday in November. 'Go back to bed,' because I love you. 'Go back to bed,' because the only thing you need to do for now is get some rest and take good care of yourself until you do know the answer.
-- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love


For a few weeks, I've been asking God the same questions – "Where're you taking me?" "What's going on?" "What will it look like?" "What am I gonna do?" "What if…?" And, to each of these questions, I've gotten the same answer–


(((crickets)))

Really, God? I can't even get the slightest hint of what's getting ready to happen or how it's all gonna turn out? Just a word/some clue?

 

… (((crickets)))

So, (((sigh)))…


But, what I have heard God say is keep going to water aerobics and the gym so I can work my big assets off. He told me to keep eating and eat well, making sure I have plenty of fruits, vegetables, and water. He told me to keep the Shea butter, Echinacea, vitamin C, and chapstick handy for these winter months. And He told me that since I bought the gummy vitamins because I thought they'd be much easier to take, I should take them every day.


God told me to be kind to my Self, to enjoy my Self. He told me to keep doing the things I like to do – read, write, watch some movies, listen to good music. But He also told me to go outside and get some fresh air, get out of my house where everything feels sad/cluttered/reminiscent of dreams deferred. And He told me that while I was out, I should go see what I can see, see what's been happening out in the city/outside the city/in the big wide world. God said live!/explore!/be adventurous!/be!


When I asked God, "what am I gonna do?," God told me to take some stock in my Self, to take a shot at loving me fully – not my things/what I do/what I have/someone else – me. He said love me and everything I am! God said to look inside my head and give this fabulous brain of mine some dap for figuring out how to navigate through the murkiness/uncertainty of the world around me. He said to cup my heart and embrace it so I can feel that it's still beating no matter how much disappointment/setback it receives. God told me to look in but not to forget to look up and out. He told me to keep looking up so my spirits could stay up, too.


Every time I ask my Father the "what if" questions, He tells me I am His precious lamb. He says that He loves you very much and has His hand on me for something special (1 Thessalonians 1:2 MSG). He tells me to prepare my Self in all ways for what is to come. When I ask Him what that is, He reminds me that to wait on Him will prove favorable/worthwhile/precious/sure and I won't be able to "round up enough containers to hold everything God will generously pour into my life…" (Romans 5:3 MSG)


God told me not to forget that I am capable of showing/receiving deep love, of dreaming, of laughing loudly and telling some funny-assed jokes. Okay, God didn't say ass, but that's how I received it. God told me to visit with my friends, make some new and different friends, and keep my lines of communication open. He told me everybody has a story to tell, that I should listen for Him in all of them, but that I should steer clear of those whose message dripped of confusion/foolishness. He said that's just the enemy trying to get one in, trying to enter the gate to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10).


When I asked God where exactly was He taking me, He deflected my question by telling me to just sit still. He said instead of asking Him that question, focus on where I am right now/how to make the most of the best I have right now/how to be the very best in/at what I have control of right now. And He told me to stop borrowing more than 2 books at a time from the library, at least until I had read everything He was saying to me in the stack of Bibles lying at the foot of my bed.


God told me instead of continually asking Him all these questions, these questions that I had laid on His altar weeks ago, let Him do the work that's required to produce an answer. He told me the more I ask, the more it stays in my feeble, finite and flawed hands/understanding and out of His boundless and omnipotent power. God promised He would handle it in His time and His way. So, He said, chill, have faith, trust Him for all things, and do what He told me to do.


And, geez, does God know me! He knows that if I did have the answers I was looking for – just as I was looking for them – I wouldn't pay attention to the journey. I'd do something to mess it all up and miss some fabulous lessons. I would certainly miss me.


So, I'll do my best to pull up on the questions. I'll try to do an even better job of doing just what He said. For now, there are no hard and fast answers. For now, there is guidance for the meantime.


The wind'll be blowing pretty hard today. God's telling me to wear my hat and scarf and to wear some tall socks.

But at any crossroad -

But at any crossroad – in the pause that God gives us – we have a chance to stop and think. I call these pauses "Selah."
-- Nancie Carmichael


Thank you, God, for this pause... for this Selah.


Now, you know God, I did not come to this fork willingly/enthusiastically, I tried to run away from it. I fought this tooth and nail. I didn't want to stop and think. I was comfortable with what was right here. It didn't require anything of me but that I breathe and blink. It was comfy/habitual in this space; I knew what would happen tomorrow because it happened today and yesterday and all the days before that. And while that seems unexciting/unimaginative/uninspiring, the sameness of it all kept me alive/afloat.


But, I know, God, you want me to do more than just stay alive. You want me to have life fully/abundantly (John 10:10). I know. I know, God.


I guess I've been heading toward this crossroad for a long time, I just didn't know it. Or, maybe I knew but didn't want to admit it because I wasn't ready to choose between staying the same or growing on. But I ask myself, even though I'm reluctant to move out of my comfort zone, how can I acquiesce to sameness/tedium/common/regular when I have so much more life to live/give/experience/discover? Why be mediocre when I was made in excellence for greatness/service/passion?


Actually, God, if I get honest, you gave me no real choice. I mean, staying the same had become boring, not fulfilling at all. It was simply living on the surface of this life you've let me borrow. And, it was starting to feel confining and near impossible to keep stretching; in my boredom, I even pushed away those closest to me. God, was that you making that space tighter/awkward so that it became hard to maneuver/move around within it? Was that you making it less comfortable/simple/pure so that I would have to wriggle away from its ease and deception? Were you blowing and scattering the leaves from my branches to let me know there was more/better fruit to produce if only I'd just let you be the planter? Was that you God?


Whatever you did, whatever you're doing, Elohim, here I am at the crossroad, pausing/suspended, for the first time ever, to hear how you want me to go forward. And I won't move until you say so, until you're done with this lesson.


Jesus, here at this break, in the "Y" of this intersection, I can see/feel you clearly as you show me all the places where I've been wrong. I can see the residue/repercussions of living outside your will and commandments, making up my own rules to suit what I wanted to do/believed was right, then tweaking my acuity of the Word to justify my choices/actions/exploits. I see where I audaciously left your path to create one I thought was better for me but that only created chaos/decrease for me and everything/everybody around me. I see confidence crushed by failures, failures precipitated by half trys/laziness, laziness triggered by fear, fear caused by something unknown/something you've yet to reveal to me in this Selah.


Jehovah Ropheka, my healing God, at this moment of silence/truth, I am slowly and deliberately taking off a layer at a time, rolling it around in my hands/head/heart/the Word like dough in flour, examining the skin underneath for authenticity/substance/precious shoots that can grow into blossoms full of vibrancy/contentment/self-assuredness. At this turning point, I am recovering the me I've neglected/disrespected, and forgiving myself for the lack of care. Jesus, I am consoling/gently rocking/cleaving to the part of me that feels lonely/wounded/ugly/objectionable. Everything I've detested about my precious self, I am now choosing to accept/embrace with unshakable assurance/poise.


This Selah, this intermission/hiatus from distractions/interruptions you've allowed isn't terrible. It isn't dark – the light of grace is coming through the cracks and shadows of your love are dancing on my walls. It isn't grueling – every truth/reality/sorrow/ache uncovered/felt is immediately covered by sweet salve of favor/reassurance/fresh air/certainty that this is all for my good and the glorification of your Kingdom. At this defining moment, Lord, I am learning to finally see myself in the way you see me. Oh what a beautiful sight! I cannot wait to meet the person I'm becoming, the person you're threshing out of the confusion/refuse/excess no longer needed.


Lord, at this fork in the road, I welcome Selah, for only in the pause will I get a fresh breath. Only in Selah will I hear your voice in my heart. Only in Selah will I be guided righteously/gain what I need for the next trip around the corner of my life.


So, yes, I thank you, Elohom, for Selah.


Selah.

The bush was burning with fire

Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian. And he led the flock to the back of the desert, and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. And the Angel of the LORD appeared to him in a flame of fire from the midst of a bush. So he looked, and behold, the bush was burning with fire, but the bush was not consumed.
-- Exodus 3:1-2 (New King James Version)

God is still in the business of burning bushes.

During yesterday's rainy morning rush hour, you were driving slowly/cautiously on the wet roads, though not really any differently from when the roads aren't wet – you usually drive with care. Just before approaching your exit, you glanced into your rear view mirror and noticed another car swiftly speeding to get to the exit before you do. In the spur of a second, the car skids, spins, barely misses your front end, but crashes with a shattering/violent impact into the center median, nearly flipping over to the other side of the interstate and into oncoming traffic. Thankfully/miraculously, no one was hurt. But it did get your attention.

You really do do the best that you can in paying your bills – at least you do the best you are willing to do. But, a few months ago, you got behind and, now, the bills have started to pile up. Your solution was to get a second job. So you found a job perfectly suited to your interests and hours of availability, interview, are offered the job, and complete the necessary forms and requirements for employment – W2 form, fingerprinting and background check, etc. You are prepared to begin work any day when you receive a call that says your background check indicated a problem and employment would not be extended to you. No other information, for legal reasons, is provided to you. So you worry/agonize/lose sleep over what the problem could possibly be. Knowing that your money troubles could turn up as a poor indicator on your credit report and thus show up in a background check, you diligently pare through your late bills, call your creditors, and make arrangements to pay your remaining debts. Immediately following the set up of your new financial system, you receive a call from the employer saying that you have been cleared to work, welcome aboard! No harm done. But, it did get your attention.

Twice in 2 months you've been hospitalized for very serious health issues. Following both visits, you resumed your regular activities (work, etc.) and with the same venom as before. You still despise your dead-end job, its meager pay and monotonous duties. You've wanted to quit, find a new job – one where you could make a difference/sink your teeth into, but you've never had time to pursue what that job could be. Now, as you prepare to be hospitalized for the third time – with recovery time slated to take 6 months – it occurs to you that not only has your stress over a lackluster job led you to this point, but you now have an opportunity to think on and begin your make a difference job dream. Your job will still pay you as you work from home while recovering, so few changes will unsettle your life. But, this situation got your attention.

God is still burning bushes.

Moses was minding his business tending his father-in-law's sheep, the way he does every single day of his life. He walked the sheep, like he regularly does, up to the mountain of God, a sacred and holy place. When he looked up, he saw that bush on fire but, OMG, it wasn't burning. It was lit up, in flames, probably blazing hot – so hot that Moses was mesmerized by its rage/glow/heat. Moses couldn't help but stare, it was magnanimous/monumental. Clearly, on this mountain, this sacrosanct Mt. Sinai, where nothing else was burning, where the bush was only an angelic inferno, Moses could not help but be drawn to this flaming shrub. It was grabbing his attention, grabbing it so that he could hear the requests/commands God was saying to him – the plan for freeing God's people from the suffering in Egypt.

In the same way, God shows us burning bushes to let us know He is present/working/delivering/blessing/comforting/Elohim. The screeching car tires on the highway, the "no" from a potential job, the necessary recovery time are all God's way of saying, "I AM that I AM…" (Exodus 3:14) The burning bushes of our lives call us to attention and remind us that God is in charge/sovereign/all-powerful/has dominion over all things. God is saying "watch me/don't take your eyes off of me/I've got something for you to see and do/only I can do it/only I have the answer/only me/I've got your blessings/I've got plenty of grace/pay attention to what I'm about to do/watch."

If you look, you'll notice that God is burning a bush for you right now. Pay attention.

The Other Half

Yesterday morning on the Tom Joyner Morning Show, commentator Jeff Johnson offered a very passionate treatise about becoming a better father. He said that sometimes men – single and married – have a very difficult time remaining present and engaged in their children's lives because of work responsibilities, unpleasant incidents between them and their children's mother, or for shame at not being able to provide financially. Johnson contended that children not only need financial support from fathers, but they also needed time, energy, and consistency from fathers and not providing such was equally, if not more, detrimental to the well-being of children. He offered his own plea for help, taking ownership for his own failures and reaching out to men, both those inside and outside the home, who have been exemplar in consistently engaging their children to help him be the father he knows God called him to be.

When he began his commentary, he cited the many men he'd talked with who faulted mothers with making the relationships between fathers and their children difficult. Yet, because he is a man of accountability and truth-telling, yesterday morning, he shined the spotlight on men and their portion.

Well, this morning, I want to turn the beam of the spotlight back on women because, men – uh, some men – are right. We women sometimes don't make it easy for men to support and be present for their children.

Disclaimer: this "Thought…," does not include the deadbeat/ornery/lowdown fathers who deliberately disregard their children's needs and lives and maliciously withhold what they need to prosper and flourish in the world. Those men can… well, let's move on.

Now, like I said, we women sometimes make it difficult/awkward/tiring for men to support and be present for their children. And before you get all "but-wait-a-minute" on me or stop reading this "Thought…", I'll use myself as an example.

I grew up with 2 parents who loved and respected each other and showed us through words and works how to do the same. My parents have wonderful life-long friends, most of whom I call my aunts and uncles because of their enduring/endearing connection to me and my family. I have a great career; a job with meaning, a plethora of benefits, and time off for rest and as necessary. I have a house to stretch out in; degrees that ensure I'll always have some kind of work; and a little change in the bank to pay for the things we need and some of the things we want. I have awesome friends and family who support us and our ambitions, and a busload of hobbies and interests that make for never a dull day. I hold my head up high – mostly because anything different is sacrilegious/counter to who I am and grounds for a butt whippin' from my mama; I have enough confidence/determination/resilience to overthrow a slew of closed and slamming doors; and compassion enough to never hold anything against a soul. And, I got Jesus on my side when all that fails.

I am a bad Sister! How can anybody compete/compare with all that?

… especially when you psychically/cunningly/accidentally on purpose make them (a father) feel like there's no way they can. So they don't even try and, ultimately, kids suffer.

Ah, sweet confession……….

Sure, there's something to be said about a man who won't keep pushing through the bull women serve up in order meet the needs of their children. But there's also a lot to be said about the bull we serve.

Sometimes there're valid reasons for keeping our children close/away from their fathers. There may be emotional/mental challenges, substance/alcohol abuse, or violence/abuse issues that require we keep our babies away/safe from their fathers. But sometimes – a lot of the time – because of the personal inadequacies we feel, using our kids to validate us and make our lives legitimate/purposeful, we shut fathers out because we want nothing around that will take that from us. Sometimes we keep our babies away from their fathers because we fear they may like daddy better which, we think, may take away some of our power/influence/purpose. Sometimes we keep the kids away because he did us wrong and keeping the kids away is revenge. Or, maybe because daddy didn't want to be with us, we vengefully keep our kids away until he wants us back. All of that is about us, not about the kids. But it's the kids who suffer the most.

When dad's not around, our babies miss out on what only a man can provide for them. Fathers teach boys how to be men – who knows how to be a man better than a man? A father innately impacts his daughter's perception of femininity, her sexual and personal identity, and her self-esteem/self-confidence so that when a righteous man comes along, the little princess knows how to identify him.

As bad as I am, I cannot be my baby's father. That's not the role God intended for me. I no longer want to take on that role. So, on this journey toward my wholeness/peace, I've done this whole father thing differently.

First, of all, I've had to think what my baby needs. That was simple to do. That's my baby.

Then, I had to forgive myself for being/thinking so haughtily. Don't get me wrong, I was never consciously braggadocios about what I have or who I am. I never threw any of it in his face. But I also never made room for his wares either. My girl-child needs to know the full measure of who she is and where she came from, no matter who I am or what I think.

Next, I had to pay attention to my kid's rampant emotions. I know part of those wild emotions comes from not being able to answer some questions only her father can answer for her, and I really have no idea about those questions. Part of knowing who you are is being able to put your hands on/mind around some tangible ideas, but if you can't, you fill yourself with only what you know. And, for my kid, she's only got half of what she needs. I, with my "bad" Self, have stood in the way of her having full access to the other half of herself. I had to move my big assets so she can begin to contain herself.

Then, I had to throw caution to the wind, bear down, pray and listen, unpurse my lips, take my hands off my hips, think again of my baby, pray and listen some more, remove the damning thoughts from my head, then reach out. That was a lot/hard to do, and it took a long time. It was kind of like giving birth again. But this birthing/rebirth/release was for my GG.

The rest is up to them; she and her father will have to cultivate a relationship for themselves. Mama is no longer in the way – although I'm not far for when she needs to add my half to the other half she discovers.

Like Jeff Johnson says, … "and that's my truth."

On their way they were healed.

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'Go show yourselves to the priests.' On their way they were healed."    
Luke 17:14 (Contemporary English Version)


… On their way they were healed.


Of course this is about the story of Jesus healing the ten lepers on his way to Jerusalem. Remember, they called out for His mercy and Jesus looked at them, then told them to go and present themselves to the priests of the city who would then examine them, determine whether they were in fact clean/healed, and welcome them back among the others living in the city. On their wayto present themselves, to be declared clean, to be welcomed back into society's folds, to partake in sacred rituals and sacrifices – they were healed/cleansed/purified/changed.


Lots of us – not many, I hope – have the notion that once we arrive at our destination, once we've finally made it to the place we've been trying to get all of our lives, then we will be happy/satisfied/ peaceful. Some of us believe that only when we finally have the job/money/house/car/ring and spouse we wanted will we be able to say we have arrived and achieved success.


But what about the time between now and when we reach that destination/goal? What about the "on the way" time?


Won't Jesus look at us and show us little "arrivals"/victory /healing on our way to "that place?"


Like learning how to become the very best at what you do, even being recognized and honored for your work on the way to getting that dream job? Or, successfully/responsibly learning the fine points of maintaining/paying for a smaller home or apartment on the way to signing the mortgage on the big manor? Or, discovering how to love/accept/forgive/respect/believe in yourself/be yourself ("Thought…, 11/25/10") on the way to entering into commitment then covenant relationship with another? Won't you learn some things – by discernment or trial and error, continually/lovingly picking yourself up when it's hard, celebrating when you get it right, and learning more about your power/resilience/depth/gifts along each step and on your way toward the target? Won't that you kept living and doing so in faith and praise be what sustains your on the way?


Jesus didn't wait for the lepers to get to their destination – the priests and their laws – before He brought them healing. In fact, telling them to go see the priests was an indication that healing was already underway.


Likewise, Jesus' waking you up this morning, looking you over with grace and new mercies, and sending you for presentation to the world outside your door is His way of saying to you that healing/peace/wellness happens on the way. So keep going.

But the very fact that this world is so challenging...

But the very fact that this world is so challenging is exactly why you sometimes must reach out of its jurisdiction for help, appealing to a higher authority in order to find your comfort.
-- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love


If you've ever been in my house, the place I call "Sadiqqa's Sanctuary," you know I have a huge collection of books. I have awesome works by Alice Walker, Zora Neale Hurston, Iyanla Vanzant, Richard Wright, James Baldwin, Sister Soulja, Toni Morrison, Juwanza Kunjufu, Nikki Giovanni, and J. California Cooper, to name a few. I've got books about girls and women, the Black experience, religion and spirituality, parenting, psychology, poetry, short stories, American history, biographies, and classics like "Of Mice and Men," "The Canterbury Tales," "Invisible Man," and "Uncle Tom's Cabin." I even have textbooks from undergrad, which was ages/interests/degrees ago.

I also have a pretty impressive CD and record collection – music from Sarah Vaughn, Arthur Prysock, the Carpenters, and Peter Nero to N.W.A., Tupac, Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber (shh, don't tell nobody about that one!).

I have artwork, pictures, elephants, plants, blankets, hanging trinkets, 5 televisions, a closet full of fragrant soaps and bath gels, peanut butter, an assortment of breads and coffee, an active library card, stickys with random quotes ("Thought…, 11/18/10"), and black pants and black shoes for days! I have bunches of things around me that serve to bring me comfort/strength/safety/refuge, and I can't seem to get rid of any of it!

But, as I pull back the covers/peel off the layers/dig through the dregs, I am finding that what I've used to provide consolation and protection, now only serve to provide a huge amount of dust/clutter… camouflage.

I've even used my possessions as excuses.

When I was lonely/low/afraid/worried/confused, I tossed myself head first into a book. To feel and express emotions, I put on an old Nancy Wilson or Switch album instead of laying it all on the line and being transparent. I've turned on the television to escape myself and washed in a variety of scents to cover my own whiff of sadness. When I couldn't sleep at 2:00 a.m. because my mind was full of disorder, I ate peanut butter sandwiches on honey wheat bread, and in the mornings, I covered my peanut butter assets with black pants. And when the possessions I had could not fill the needs/lack I felt, I went and got more.

Ooh, confession is goooood…

I've covered my hurt feelings with things. Filled the holes in my heart with things – and people, but you don't get that story… today. Bridged the gaps in my confidence with things. And now that I am seeing myself with (heartbreaking) clarity, all those things look like junk.

In the book, "Showing Mary: How Women Can Share Prayers, Wisdom, and the Blessings of God," Dr. Renita Weems tells us that in our moments of loneliness, when nothing or no one else can fulfill us, when it feels as though ease/satisfaction are unattainable, those are the times that Elohim is calling out to us, calling us to seek His solace/succor/presence. As badly as I hate to admit it, never once in the midnight hour did it occur to me to tenaciously seek God instead of a sandwich and cranberry juice; I needed something immediately. Not one time did I consciously petition Jehovah Ropheka (God our healer) to cleanse me with His saving power instead of first scrubbing myself down with $18 handmade almond and goat's milk soap; I needed something immediately.

Never have I asked El-Shaddai (God who is sufficient) to be my eternal/definitive/solitary comforter, even though the things/people I used instead never provided the immediate or everlasting comfort I longed for.

Jeremiah 8:18 says, "God, you are my comfort when I am very sad and when I am afraid." Jesus told His disciples in John 14:16 that God would give them another "Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby)" in the form of the Holy Spirit who would be with them forever. Psalm 27:1 says, "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation-whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid? And, Hebrews 13:6 says, "So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?"

So how crazy is it to rely on things and not God when you know God is a comforter/counselor/helper/intercessor/advocate/strengthener/stanby/light/salvation/refuge/stronghold? What on earth was I thinking?

I guess the better question is why "of earth" was I thinking?

I have held idols before God, an ultimate failure! Believing that I needed things that were tangible/human to fill my holes/gaps and bring me comfort/satisfaction/happiness has led to a house full of things and a heart full of regret and in need of cleansing. My Self and my surroundings are in need of purging because I know now why I've got/used all these things. And perhaps looking at them differently/knowing the truth about them will make it easier to discard them and make room for God who is certainly more affirming.

((Sigh))…

Anybody up for a yard sale?

So sweet the journey when you learn to love yourself

So sweet the journey when you learn to love yourself/accept yourself/forgive yourself/respect yourself/believe in yourself/be yourself with amazing grace as your constant friend.
-- Dianne Reeves, "Testify"

 

Once upon a time, I believed I had myself together. I believed I knew who I was and where I was going. I knew what I liked and what was unacceptable to me. I gave myself a new name and took up the mantel of making sure everybody else knew who they were, too.

Now? Well, now I still have all that going on but the vision of who I am has become somewhat blurred. I've inadvertently allowed the trimmings of life to interfere/disorder/confuse my impression of who I believe I am, and now? Let's just say perception is only a fraction of reality.

So I've decided that in this season of completion ("Thought…, 11/22/10"), it is imperative (and divine) that I mentally/emotionally revisit some "places" – past and the more present – and make an accurate assessment of how those "places" have operated in my life/how they dictate some of the things I do. My mama told me not to be too hard on myself and I assured her that I would not be. But I do have to be honest with myself about me.

Several times before, I've sought to get at the truth of who I am, and I've been pretty successful in coming up with answers and living this self – for the time being. As God graces you with the privilege of aging and you learn more about yourself, it's necessary to align what you're learning with what you already know, throw out what's false/propaganda, and be about the business of presenting your most authentic self – for the time being. Since we're always in the process of becoming/evolving/shedding, whether it's conscious or automatic, the need to take another good look keeps your feet on the arrow of purpose. If you don't take a look, you may become inundated/overburdened with basket full of maybes and possibilities/assumed roles/lots of false pretense/a bit of make-believe/confusion/self-betrayal/shame, and all that is hard to undo/recover from.

Trust on that…

Matthew 22:39 says that we should love others as we love ourselves, which means we have to love ourselves before we can really love anybody else. Of course part being able to love yourself is because you know who you are. Without this knowledge, truly loving isn't possible or, it's at least very hard to do.

And, loving somebody else? Geez, that's a whole 'nother set of "Thoughts" in and of themselves! Let's focus on the "easier" part first.

Not only must you know yourself to love yourself and others, you must also ACCEPT yourself, and for some of us, therein lies the problem. It's easy to accept the good attributes, the things that make us wonderful and pleasing to others, but what about the not-so-good things that just make you who you are? Yeah, you're very thoughtful in the ways that you care for your family and friends; ooh, but the way you gossip! Or, you are absolutely ingenious in the way you come up with solutions to tough challenges; but that smart-alecky way you present them leaves a lot to be desired! And even though the not-so-good stuff may be things you can change, knowing/acknowledging that they have made you who you are is just as important as pointing out/crediting the good. Tyra Banks said, "You've got to learn to accept the fool in you as well as the part that's got it goin' on."

Yes. Tyra Banks. That's my source and I'm sticking to it.

It's tough to begin/begin again the process of knowing/accepting/loving yourself, especially with all the noise around you. But you can't always go to the mountain or retreat to the country to spend quiet, reflective time with yourself. Most of us get to do it while taking care of the family, working, and all the other stuff we do, and lots of times we get sidetracked/overwhelmed/unintentionally drawn in to the lives of others which leaves us not doing the continual/immeasurable work necessary for introspection and assessment. We ultimately leave ourselves out, grasping at what works for now and what will cause the least amount of adjustment/conflict/explaining.

But then you realize that you've taken the short end of the stick and you're trying to stir everything in your life with it. Your life is just too big for that disproportionate little stem.

Over the years, I've learned that knowing/accepting/loving myself isn't just about what I like and where I want to go, that's just a part of it. It's about knowing why I like what I do and why I want to get where I want to go. That's the work, trying to figure out the motivations behind who you are. And if those motivations/cause/triggers are ordered by the past – and maybe a past that is not so great, geez, that's harder work to do.

But you gotta start somewhere. And today… or tomorrow. No later than that. It's almost a new year and you gotta get some stuff finished, remember?

In the knowing thyself process, maybe you have to take a look at that gossiping habit and realize how it's caused people to stop confiding in you, something you value. You're going to have to pick apart/dissect the reasons why you've felt the need to gossip and what basic need it serves for you. And maybe once you figure that out, you've tackled a portion of the battle toward replacing this habit with something more virtuous and beneficial to you and everybody in your life.

Or maybe really knowing yourself is a bit more challenging and requires the skill of professional to help you unravel some things that may be guiding (crucifying!) your impressions of yourself and influencing every move you make. You have to be honest/gentle enough with yourself to know how much you can do and when help is required. Honor the self you want to know, accept, and love by getting the helpful support you need.

Because once you get there, oh, how sweet! Actually, the journey's not so bad either if you keep your eyes on the prize – self actualization/clarity/peace. Right now, I'm feeling pretty empowered by the journey.

The goal is to ...

The goal is to ... act on what is possible, to trust that time will unfold and life will ripen and that where you are now is not where you'll be forever.
-- Martha Sheehy

Where you are now is not where you will be forever… unless there is where you want to stay.

You CAN stay stuck/trapped/fixed/frozen in the place you are. It's comfortable and you know how to move around the 4 corners of that place. Everything in the space where you are is familiar/predictable and only requires that you keep showing up there for it to exist. Nothing in that place you're standing in looks any different today than it did yesterday, and you know without a doubt, tomorrow will look the same. The place you're in has everything you need for you to keep feeling/doing as you do and anything more would be too much for you to handle/receive/believe in. That's all you want. That's all you know. So, stay there.

But, you gotta know – you'll always be there by yourself. No one and nothing can get into the place/exist where you're stuck. And, in the place you're stuck, there's no fruit/ harvest/profit/growth/increase/change/help/steps forward/contentment/choice because there's no life. And where there's no life, there's no breath. And where's there's no breath/air, there's death. To stay stuck there means that you die in 4 monotonous corners, gulping down the staleness of gloom/sameness, wrapping yourself tightly in isolation and seclusion, denying yourself the pleasures/privileges of life given to you faithfully just because. Certainly, you've got to want to live.

Jesus came so that you could enjoy life in overflowing abundance (John 10:10), so that you could have the desires of your heart (Psalm 21:2), and so that you could bless others with the life Elohim graciously/mercifully/ selflessly gave you (Mark 12:31). To do otherwise spits in the face of the One who gave you life in the first place.

But, if you believe that you were created for more than those 4 walls of lifelessness; trust fully that all things are possible to him who believes (Mark 9:23); and want more than what's happening right here, right now, then you shall have it (Matthew 9:29). Because, again, where you are now is not where you will be forever.The Quester in Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is "nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil (2:24). Truly that is a TALL/seemingly impossible, foolish, and disingenuous order for you who is accustomed to ducking out of life's enjoyment. But it's an order nonetheless. And because it's an order, you must mindfully step away from your glumness and watch with reverence how life unfolds into something beautiful and whole.

How in the hey does anyone find "enjoyment in his toil?" you ask. Well, first you must believe your toil is only for a season – not here to stay/a period of time/preparation period/maturation phase – in order that you may be spiced/treated/given zest to, after which time you will be cured/ready for use/tempered/suitable, fit, and appropriate/savored. You must believe that when this, too, shall pass you will be like "…pure gold put through the fires… proved pure" (1 Peter 1:6).

Remembering that this is just a season and that Jehovah Shalom (God of peace) did not create you to suffer helps you to live with gratitude for what each moment brings. Remembering that things won't always be this way helps you to ask God to give you the strength/grace to endure it and learn whatever it is you should while you're going through it. You get to watch God purify your faith/heart/intentions/life so that you can really be like Jesus.

And while you're watching/waiting for the unfolding of the revelations/evolutions in your season, you are constantly/consistently contributing to God's Kingdom by being kind to yourself in health, thought, and speech; serving/connecting with others; relying of the presence of Jehovah Shammah (God is present) to guide/confirm/help/console/empower you; and refusing to focus solely on what had you stuck to begin with. And, if what has had you stuck requires seeking professional help, for your sake and the Kingdom of God, get that help.

In your season, Elohim will "fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." (Job 8:21). And, although, you're human and you'll have moments where it just aches/confuses/constricts too badly for you to laugh/smile/focus on the lesson/the good/God, it's okay because you have people around you who love you enough to travail/cry/be angry/feel it with you, people God put there specifically for that purpose. And because God put them in your life/equipped them for this reason, to not use them/reach for them again spits in the face of the One who gave you life in the first place.

Because this season is not forever/because life is too short to not live it well and whole/because your purpose is wasted in despair, you must act on what is possible (abundant life) and know things will get better and a new day will dawn because that's what God promised. The season may be long/hard, but you won't miss out the good things/miracles/blessings God gave you in/for the meantime.

Let the peace of Christ rule on your hearts

Let the peace of Christ rule on your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
-- Colossians 3:15

When I got this "Verse of the Day" early this morning, in no way was I feeling thankful. As a matter of fact, what I was feeling this morning was so irreverent and cynical, if I told you how I really felt, you might block my emails, call me a hypocrite/fraud, and burn every last "Thought…" you'd ever received from me.

And peaceful? Yeah. Whatever.

Okay, maybe it wasn't that bad… maybe. But I was having a hard time with the ideas of "thankful" and "peace."

I'm not sure where my energies were during those sacred and hallowed hours before the alarm went off/don't know where my unconscious had been, but when the alarm went off and I turned over to smack it – yes, this morning I smacked! the alarm – this verse was waiting for me via email on my phone. As is my custom – with one eye open and adjusting to the brightness of the little screen – I read the verse and several other morning meditations before getting out of bed. None of them did anything to eject/reject that "whatever" feeling. "Yeah, thanks for waking me up this morning, Lord, and thanks for letting me have a good night's sleep, Jesus. Thanks for that baby girl of mine, and, oh yeah that job. Thanks, Father, for all those people who love me, but G-o-d, I just ain't feelin' it this morning, and I surely can't fake it."

You remember how Winnie the Pooh's friend Eeyore went about the Hundred Acre Wood as a gloomy and melancholy donkey, rarely optimistic about anything, and mostly dispassionate about everything? Eeyore was so pessimistic/cynical/gray that he looked at himself in the stream, thought his reflection "pitiful," crossed the river, looked again, and thought "no better from this side." That's how I felt this morning.

And there are just some mornings/days that it's just that way. Where "so what?" is your mantra and "whatever" is the theme. Is that a bad thing? Well, it depends.

If every day is lackluster and you can find no joy, no matter how brightly Jesus shines it in your face, and you can't even "fake it 'til you make it," perhaps you're in a little deeper than is typical and that's a bad thing. And, if to you, Eeyore sounds like an optimist, or he's "just keepin' it real," something isn't right deep down in your psyche and it's time to get some help.

Now most days I'm like Tigger, pouncing on everything and full of drive and enthusiasm. Some days, I'm like Rabbit who is very busy and on the go, forgetting to even stop and take in all that I should be thankful for/am at peace about. Today, though, Eeyore was my guide.

And it would be hours before I felt differently.

Hours because I forgot that God has called me into obedience, no matter how I feel.

Jeremiah 11:4-5 (MSG) says, "Obey what I tell you. Do exactly what I command you. Your obedience will close the deal. You'll be mine and I'll be yours. This will provide the conditions in which I will be able to do what I promised your ancestors: to give them a fertile and lush land. And, as you know, that's what I did…" No matter what, as a Christ follower/student/lover, my obligation is to do as He says. If Elohim says to drop everything and follow Him, I must do so. If Jehovah Jireh (the God who provides) told me to quit my job and trust Him, my mustard seed faith would be charged and activated because I would have to quit in order to be obedient to His command. God told me to be peaceful and thankful – and even, and especially when, I didn't feel like doing so this morning. My obligation was to find a way to be peaceful and thankful. Not mope around and be stank all day.

I heard a minister say yesterday that being thankful doesn't mean you don't have problems, it just means you can face your problems with a better attitude and disposition. If only I had remembered that while I was reading this morning, perhaps I'd have been able to paint this day more glorious.

A few hours ago, I reread the verse, read it in different translations and prayed about having the peace of Jesus reign in my heart no matter what I'm feeling. And the more I read it, the more I prayed on it, the more it began to take hold of my heart because, in fact, that's what peace does – it rules your heart and makes it content/cheerful /satisfied/worry-free. And when your heart feels like that, you have no choice but to be thankful!

So, tomorrow morning, when the alarm sounds and I roll over to quiet it, I will read my "verse of the day" in ready obedience/deference/agreement. I may even turn on the light.

This perfection is the restoration of man to the state of holiness

This perfection is the restoration of man to the state of holiness from which he fell, by creating him anew in Christ Jesus, and restoring to him that image and likeness of God which he has lost.
-- Adam Clarke

The number 10 is phenomenal.It represents the perfection of Divine order; ordinal perfection, where numeration becomes anew; rebirth; fulfillment; completion of a cycle; closure. Ten is the number for wisdom and unity, because it contains the essence of all the numbers - one to nine - within it and, therefore, all things and possibilities.
Ten represents the Trinity (3) and creation (7 days), or God and all His work. God gave His people Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:3 – 17). The Lord's Prayer is completed in ten clauses (Luke 11:2-4). Ten plagues beset Egypt (Exodus, Chapters 7-10). To God, we give back a tenth of our first fruits (Leviticus 27:30), and the Holy Spirit descended upon the apostles ten days after the Ascension of Jesus which we know as Pentecost (Acts 2:1-6).

The Romans represent 10 as X, the perfect figure. There are 10 days of atonement between the Jewish High Holidays of Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur. For the Chinese, 10 denotes the uncountable, the manifestation of "whole," and in the ancient Maya civilization, 10 symbolizes the end of a cycle and the beginning of another. Scoring perfectly is a "prefect 10." We slowly and deliberately count to 10 to cool our anger before we speak. Interstate 10 runs coast to coast, all the way from Florida to California, and we generally have 10 fingers in which to do God's work and 10 toes to stand before Him.

In 2010, I turned 42 which was always a number I referenced in 2006 – 4 years ago – regarding my money ("Terry, I want to make $42,000 now!). If I add the numbers in my birthdate, employing the concepts of numerology – 3+2+8+1+9+6+8 = 37 then add 3+7 – I get a 10. The positive traits of 10 – inspiring leader/creative/efficient/determined/pioneer. Sounds like me! Negative tendencies of 10 – stubborn/disconsolate/jealous. (((Sigh)))… that's me, too.I explain all this to say – I anticipate/celebrate/claim! that there are things that will be completed/brought to fullness and fruition/made whole in my life in 2010 so that I may begin again/be born again/be restored in the new year. And, wherever you have found yourself in this year of completion, you, too, can anticipate, celebrate and claim! conclusion/fulfillment/realization/renewal/and, best of all, fresh starts.

Today, right now, I believe that everything we've negatively experienced/suffered/belabored through/toiled with is getting ready to come to a close. I believe all the taking apart and the tearing down we've done to ourselves/our lives is coming to an end so that we can begin to repair/heal/restore. All the horrific and vile stuff is coming out and off in droves, heaps, and in bulk so that we can be free for reconciliation with the will of God, fulfill our life's purpose liberated from/uninhibited by what has weighed/depressed us down to the dumps, and be rightfully/righteously reinstated to the title of God's chosen ones.It's taken us some years and experiences to get to this place, and, OMG!, are we ready to leave behind that which does not bless, exalt, and honor. I am READY with full artillery to dismantle/bulldoze/crush (back) to the bowels of hell – that's where this stuff came from anyway – everything that has been immoral/dishonest/self-indulgent/childish/insincere/deceitful/a sham/excessive/foolish/reckless/risky/offensive/disgraceful/distasteful/base/forbidden/subject to the wrath of God/slated for death. Oh for a new day!

No wonder there's been no order! What a tangled web!But wait, there've also been some genuine experiences/gifts that have been great/awesome/fantastic and there is absolutely no way we desire for those things to cease. They won't; they'll get better! Like in the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30), those whose experiences and gifts were especially used for the good of/to further the Kingdom of God, more will be added unto you! The great things will become fabulous and the fantastic, magnanimous!

Now, while the examination of the number 10 and its significance may be a little too new age and incredulous to you, you can believe this – nothing in this world/in our lives occurs by coincidence; there is Divine providence in/to everything. God's omniscience brings it ALL to pass/order. And while God's timing is His own and nothing can change that, He has given us mystical breadcrumbs in the forms of numbers and stars to do more than light the night and help us count our money. Everything under the sun "…get[s] properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies..." (Colossians 1:20; MSG). Everything in the universe works together to restore us to purge us of our failures and return us to our original "state of holiness." Jeremiah 31:25 (MSG) says, "I'll refresh tired bodies; I'll restore tired souls." Titus 3:3-8 (MSG) says, "It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit. Our Savior Jesus poured out new life so generously. God's gift has restored our relationship with him and given us back our lives. And there's more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this."

I believe we have arrived with our stuff at the place of completion. The period of demise/ruin/death is over, Halleluiah! 2010 is almost over and 2011 awaits our clarity, wholeness, and sparkle. Shed what afflicts/convicts, leave it at this place. Usher in the revival/rekindled spirit and get ready for a new start!I'm ready!

By the way, both the words "completion" and "perfection" have 10 letters…

Not being able to govern events, I govern myself

Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me.
--Michel de Montaigne

My kid provides fine fodder for these here "Thoughts…,." Or maybe being a parent makes for the good feed…

At school on Wednesday, she had a "challenging" day in her Spanish class and ultimately brought home a "red" which means she broke a phenomenal rule or an extraordinary number of rules and, in most cases, your parent has to be called. Bless her teacher, he didn't call me. He probably heard my rage over the phone the last time my kid had to call me and report her behavior. Bless him for saving this child while she was at school.

But she had to come home. Upon my learning of the red and the reasons for it, I immediately pulled the brown truck over and flew into my rage – the one she missed earlier. After letting her know that this behavior – rolling her eyes (disrespecting) a teacher/any adult – was unacceptable, I asked her why she had acted the way she did. She said the teacher was yelling at her and disrespecting her.

Alright, before you ol' school folks say, "but you're a child and she's an adult and you don't, yada, yada, yada…", be very clear that I said all that. And very loudly. So loudly that I heard myself and I did not like what I heard.

I told her just what you said, that an adult is to be respected. Period. And I told her that no matter what, she is supposed to get herself together, no matter what anybody says or does to her. And just like a smack in the face, it hit me that the way I was approaching this situation was wrong. That the things I was saying –er, yelling at her, were wrong. I needed to take a step back.

I explained to my baby – first and foremost, she is my baby – birthed of me, nurtured inside me, connected to me, and really, on loan yet entrusted to me. And although I did not like her behavior, my behavior at that moment was appalling and excessive. My responsibility to her is to teach her/show her how to make better choices. After all, the last time I disrespected somebody, God didn't get in my face and yell at me/try to shame me to stop my spiteful conduct. Where was my compassion in teaching? Where was the compassion for my child?

So I explained to my baby that, yes, adults were to be respected, but that as a human being, she deserved respect as well. Whether it was a teacher or me, her parent, we were obliged to show her kindness and respect. Ephesians 5:21 (MSG) states that "out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another." That means young, old, rich, poor, dirty, immaculate, whatever, out of respect for Jesus, we must respect/be polite/favorable/positive to one another.

But then I told my GG that everybody doesn't feel this way or know this or remember to act this way at all times. I told her sometimes people allow the stuff going on around them make them forget that everybody is to be respected. Being a School Counselor and working with teachers, students, and their parents, I know firsthand that it's easy to forget that even kids should be respected. We were taught as children to be seen, not heard and told to respect our elders. Rarely did we hear that we as children should be respected, too. So then what happens is only natural to us humans – when you feel disrespected/disregarded/mistreated, you lash out. My baby's lashing out cost her losing lunch in the classroom, the chance to decide what we'll eat for dinner on Friday, a chance to (possibly) ever receive a fair shake from her Spanish teacher, and some of her own self-respect. That's a lot for a kid to lose. But…

I then told my joy that there would be many people for the rest of her life that may disrespect her in some way, and as long as they did not put their hands on her or attack her emotionally, it would serve her better if she walked away. By walking away, I mean just get quiet, hold your mouth, and if you can, physically walk on away. In the getting quiet and holding your mouth, you give the hostility just spewed time to resonate in the air and ricochet like soot back into their face. While you're quiet, you're praying for them, praying that they would be rescued from the enemy of disdain and derision. And you walk away/turn away because none of what was said or done was yours and you certainly don't want to be stained by the funk they sent out. You walk away letting them be foolish and marked by  themselves. 

Of course my 9 year-old was confused because to her, walking away meant you let them get away with dissin' you. So I reminded her of Luke 23:33-43 where Jesus, the ultimate walk-er away-er, was being crucified and how the crowd incessantly mocked and teased him, saying "if you're really who you say you are, save yourself!" I told her, Jesus could have done what she did; He could have come off that cross and knocked every last one of them sandal-wearing suckers out with just the roll of His eyes. But He chose – He chose – not to simply because there was something greater that was supposed to happen. He knew what He was there for and He knew there was nothing that could stop it. He knew that it must happen in order that we – me, her, the Spanish teacher, and everybody else – be free of/forgiven for our failures and could have life eternally.

So He let them say whatever they wanted and near the end, He asked His Father to forgive them because they didn't have a clue what they were doing. I told my precious lamb that her task, one of the hardest she would ever have to practice, was to act in this same way. Not because she was supposed to be a martyr or victim, but because she was called to a higher purpose/use/end. I reminded her that her current job was to be the best student she could be, to never give less than her best, and to think about the bigger picture – getting home without hearing mama's mouth. Okay, no, hearing God say, "well done, my child."

Yeah, this was a big one for my kid, a lesson in self-control and compassion that requires higher order thinking and the removal of Self, which she is growing capable of. But God's working on both of us, helping us to get ourselves together in the right way/walk away, and, tomorrow will be another day.

May He grant you according to your heart's desire

May He grant you according to your heart's desire, and fulfill all your purpose.
-- Psalm 20:4 (NKJV)

My daughter thinks I'm a little loony tunes – which, in some cases, may be true. But I'm not loony tunes for the reasons she thinks.

Every few days or so, there appears a new post-it note on the bathroom mirror or on the hallway wall or on my closet door. Each of them have on them some thought I've run across that speaks to me in some way. Posting them in these different places is not only to remind me to stay encouraged/strong/intentional/attentive, but I also hope she'll read them and something will resonate in her heart and mind, too.

Most of the time she just looks at me like I must be going through something.

But this morning, she asked about the Psalm 20:4 verse that's written on a glaring green sticky in the bathroom. After asking me for the umpteenth time why I stuck it on the bathroom mirror ("so I can see it when I look at myself" was my answer… ), she asked what it meant – with that "what-you-goin'-through?" look. While brushing her hair, I told her that there are many things in life I want; things, that if I had them, my heart would sing. I told her that if the things I wanted were aligned with God's desires for my life, that I would have them. For her edification I added that if the things that I wanted were out of God's sphere – His grace/approval/command, then they had no business being anything I should want.

Of course she grilled me, asking me about things like exercising regularly (my desire to keep my temple fit and in good repair); love (my desire to have and maintain a healthy and long-lasting covenant relationship); work (my desire to perform meaningful work); and, one of my very favorite desires, a good cup of coffee. I passed her quiz, especially about that coffee…

Later in the day, I thought about my explanation of the Psalm 20:4 verse and I realized that while I explained the first part (May He grant you according to your heart's desire), I forgot to explain the "b" part (and fulfill all your purpose).

The "b" part. How could I forget to explain the "b" part?

Because I seem to have forgotten that part myself.

"… your purpose."

Seems like a few years ago – maybe 10 of them – I had that understanding of my purpose thing down pat. Someone had given me Rick Warren's book, "Purpose Driven Life" and I read some of it, flipped through to the most interesting parts, and jotted ideas and thoughts in the margins. I formed what I believed was a solid explanation of my purpose. I knew what I wanted from life, what I wanted to give life, and exactly how I would do it. Okay, maybe that's not all true, but, I had some idea… I think.

Now? Now… Oh, now, I can say I have since given away that Rick Warren book, primarily because of the controversies that surround him, but also because it wasn't necessary for me to consult a book about my purpose. At least not that book. I just needed to ask myself some thoughtful questions and think really hard about who I am and how I show that while I read THE book – the Bible.

(That may have been in Rick Warren's book, but, honestly, I never got past the first few chapters.)

When I asked/ask myself, in relation to who God said I am, "what is it I would want people to say about me at my funeral?" and "if money and failure were of no consequence, what would I do?,"my answers led/lead me to do just what I'm doing now – encouraging and inspiring (at least that's what I pray I'm doing). Once I look past my job and daily responsibilities – which do have elements of "encouraging and inspiring" attached to them, thank you Jesus, or I really wouldn't be able to get out of the bed – I am able to really get at why God put me here in the first place and set goals to actualize that purpose or life mission.

A lot of times we get bogged down in the everyday stuff and forget to look at the big picture. Proverbs 16:4 (MSG) says that "God made everything with a place and purpose; even the wicked are included—but for judgment." Certainly our purpose on earth is not to mournfully wake each morning, get ready for work, work, come home, feed the family, watch a little television, then go to bed and start again with the same routine the next day. If that's all we were made for, what would be the point? Everything here on earth has a purpose for being.

The big picture is that we are here to fulfill God's purposes, and, of course, the only way to fulfill those purposes is to get to know God. When you come to know God – which we're all in the process of doing because we'll never fully know El-Olam (Everlasting God) – your life/life-work becomes revealed to you and the purposes for which you are here become clearer, though constantly becoming refined. And, then, perhaps your purpose informs/shapes your heart's desires, or at least the desires of your heart help you to fulfill your purpose, so, ultimately they go hand in hand. The heart desires are the goals, per se, that fulfill the life mission.

That being the case, then everything in your life has to be pointed in one direction – toward your purpose, and anything that does not follow the lines of the arrow is just plain junk/waste.

Maybe I didn't forget to tell ye old skeptical baby girl the "b" part after all. But it is imperative that I go back and make it clear.

I will now prepare myself for that "what-you-goin'-through-now?" look.

I wanted God to speak to me

I wanted God to speak to me, but I didn't want God to confront me.

-- Renita J. Weems, “Listening for God”

Be careful what you ask for…

For some time, I’ve been trying to cultivate in my life what Solomon asked God for – a “hearing heart” (1 Kings 3:9 AMP). A hearing heart is one that discerns right from wrong and good from bad. A hearing heart hears the voice of God without difficulty or interference, and even when other things and people are blaring and relentless, a hearing heart can censor the noise and distinguish/ sense/understand the voice of Truth.

On most days – okay, at certain times of the day – my heart hears God’s voice well. I’ve driven to and from work with no radio or CD playing simply experiencing the quietude of the conversations God and I have. Bath time – and bathroom time – has taken on a new meaning because of the opportunity for private communion with God, and I have no idea what comes on television after 9pm because I’d rather be hearing/listening to what I AM has to say to me.

But, I say again, be careful what you ask for, because as peaceful and composed as Jehovah Shalom is, He sure can get loud and rowdy!

Rev. Jamal Bryant, in his “DON’T MISUNDERSTAND WHAT HE IS SAYING” Bible study, said that when God is getting ready to talk to you/work on you/clear some stuff up, things in your life begin to shift; sometimes your life and every comfort you’ve known/believed in begins to fall apart/fall away/fall open. He said when God gets ready to really speak to you on your life for your life, He will begin to deal with your conscience about your stuff. Bryant said when God’s got something to say to you that will call you to task/transform your life/reveal His plan/make known your purpose/bless you beyond your mind’s eye, you can best believe you will hear Him and hear Him clearly.

It’s easy for us when we simply talk to God about comforting us, protecting us, bringing us through the darkness, giving us the desires of our hearts, and forgiving us for our conscious and unwitting failings. And God hears us at all times, whatever we pray. And He responds, but sometimes in ways that cause us to tremble/feel convicted/require us to change our ways. What we hear from God/what God shows us in response to our calls isn’t always what we want to hear. In fact, it’s sometimes so counter to what we believed we would hear or what we believe we deserve, we pretend we didn’t hear and keep going about our little business. Until we talk to God again about our lives, asking “please, Jesus please.” And God says the same things again and again …

… until He finally doesn’t say anything.

Remember how your mama told you to do something over and over, and you kept acting like you didn’t hear her, so she got tired and fed up with your trifling butt and eventually took a belt switch to it?

God doesn’t get fed up with us – I don’t think. But He does get silent until we get obedient. And that silence can feel like a butt whipping!

1 John 3:22 (KJV) says that “whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight.” When we finally get obedient and faithfully let God do in us the work that needs to be done, then that which we ask is given to us “…exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think…” (Ephesians 3:20 KJV)

God’s gotta say what God’s gotta say and we humans seeking everlasting life have to hear the truth/be called out about the serious stuff in our lives. And really, where else would we get it? Who else do we know that’s even bold enough/bad enough/righteous enough to tell us the truth of our lives? There’s not anybody but El Roi (the God who sees) who even knows that truth.

And, there’s also no one who could take your truth, love you/ shape you through it, and hand it back to you new, holy, and pleasing in His sight.

So I ask with no heed – Lord, speak to me as you will, for I desire to be a new creature in You.

My barn burnt down...

My barn burnt down... but now I can see the moon.

--- Zen

This is Part 2 to yesterday’s “Thought…,” (“weeping may endure… but rejoicing…”). You didn’t know there’d be a Part 2, huh? Neither did I.

I wrote these 3 very long pages about going through the darkness of night to get to the refreshment of the morning, and while it’s true/a fact/God’s promise that morning does come after you’ve conscientiously travailed through the night and after you’ve pulled up the weeds you’ve erroneously and improperly tended and after you’ve mystically received salve to heal/reconcile/fix the wounds of inner and outer destruction, it doesn’t mean you can’t also find and have joyfulness/cheerfulness/optimism/resilience while in the dark.

Joy in the dark? Cheerfulness when all this mess abounds? Geez, how Pollyannaish.

It may be. But let’s look at it from another angle.

Proverbs 15:13 (MSG) says, “A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face; a sad heart makes it hard to get through the day.” Proverbs 15:15 (MSG) says, “A miserable heart means a miserable life; a cheerful heart fills the day with song.” Then, Proverbs 17:22 (MSG) says “A cheerful disposition is good for your health; gloom and doom leave you bone-tired. And Jesus, the One who had every right to be sad and stay sad, said in John 16:33 (KJV), “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

Nothing Pollyannaish about that. That’s the truth!

Between the night and the morning is time – time to reveal, examine, and heal. And while those can be/are often tedious processes, God still requires that we “take heart” – have courage; be confident, certain, and undaunted (AMP). God requires that we be cheerful, trusting that He is always present and working on our behalf. God insists that in the period of time between the dark and the sunrise, we show gladness so that others might see and believe, and God wants you praise and worship Him even when the space between sadness and joy is so overwhelming, the last thing you want to do is praise, let alone open your mouth to say anything positive!

Think on (read!) Acts 16:16-40. Paul recounts that he and Silas were arrested for “disturbing the peace,” beaten then thrown into jail, practically naked, with a bunch of criminals. He says they (he and Silas; the prisoners couldn’t see how they could do such a thing) spent the night praying and vibrantly singing songs of praise and hymns of joy to God and, as they were lifting these powerful exaltations, an earthquake came and burst open the jail freeing them all if they so chose (of course, they didn’t leave, and they even introduced the weary jailer and his family to Jesus). But you see, even in the midst of persecution/abuse/cold-bloodedness/ neglect/heartlessness/unkindness/disrespect/unrest, you still have to be cheerful, thankful, and worshipful because in spite of it all, God’s got you.

That means you have to see the glass as half full, and you have to believe that, even though everyday is not a good day, there’s something good in every day. Maybe you lost your job. That’s devastating! But now you have time to start your own business! Maybe the power company cut your lights off. It’s cold outside! But now you get to cuddle with your honey or your kids and spend quality time together singing and praising God for one another! Maybe you don’t have a dime in the bank. Payday is not for another 8 days and you ain’t bought no food! But you do have some staples and a mean recipe for eggs, potatoes and a small piece of fish! And that barn? Sheesh, who needs a barn these days anyway? Sit back and enjoy the moon and the stars and whatever else God put out there in the universe. That’s probably what God wanted you to do anyway.

Aha! God wants you to sit back (be still) and take notice of what He put here for you to take notice of/experience/enjoy, not worry about the nooks and crannies between night and daylight. God’s got that.

Bishop Walter Hawkins sang, “Don’t wait ‘til the battle is over, shout now! You know in the end you’re gonna win.” So if you know that when it’s over you’ll be okay – better than okay with Jesus – why let sadness be your travel companion as you journey through to day? Don’t wait ‘til later when the stuff is no more and all pretty and fixed up. Right now, be of good cheer; know that Elohim is Jehovah Shammah (He’s there) and Jehovah Shalom (He is peace). Shout now while it’s dark.