But the very fact that this world is so challenging...

But the very fact that this world is so challenging is exactly why you sometimes must reach out of its jurisdiction for help, appealing to a higher authority in order to find your comfort.
-- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love


If you've ever been in my house, the place I call "Sadiqqa's Sanctuary," you know I have a huge collection of books. I have awesome works by Alice Walker, Zora Neale Hurston, Iyanla Vanzant, Richard Wright, James Baldwin, Sister Soulja, Toni Morrison, Juwanza Kunjufu, Nikki Giovanni, and J. California Cooper, to name a few. I've got books about girls and women, the Black experience, religion and spirituality, parenting, psychology, poetry, short stories, American history, biographies, and classics like "Of Mice and Men," "The Canterbury Tales," "Invisible Man," and "Uncle Tom's Cabin." I even have textbooks from undergrad, which was ages/interests/degrees ago.

I also have a pretty impressive CD and record collection – music from Sarah Vaughn, Arthur Prysock, the Carpenters, and Peter Nero to N.W.A., Tupac, Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber (shh, don't tell nobody about that one!).

I have artwork, pictures, elephants, plants, blankets, hanging trinkets, 5 televisions, a closet full of fragrant soaps and bath gels, peanut butter, an assortment of breads and coffee, an active library card, stickys with random quotes ("Thought…, 11/18/10"), and black pants and black shoes for days! I have bunches of things around me that serve to bring me comfort/strength/safety/refuge, and I can't seem to get rid of any of it!

But, as I pull back the covers/peel off the layers/dig through the dregs, I am finding that what I've used to provide consolation and protection, now only serve to provide a huge amount of dust/clutter… camouflage.

I've even used my possessions as excuses.

When I was lonely/low/afraid/worried/confused, I tossed myself head first into a book. To feel and express emotions, I put on an old Nancy Wilson or Switch album instead of laying it all on the line and being transparent. I've turned on the television to escape myself and washed in a variety of scents to cover my own whiff of sadness. When I couldn't sleep at 2:00 a.m. because my mind was full of disorder, I ate peanut butter sandwiches on honey wheat bread, and in the mornings, I covered my peanut butter assets with black pants. And when the possessions I had could not fill the needs/lack I felt, I went and got more.

Ooh, confession is goooood…

I've covered my hurt feelings with things. Filled the holes in my heart with things – and people, but you don't get that story… today. Bridged the gaps in my confidence with things. And now that I am seeing myself with (heartbreaking) clarity, all those things look like junk.

In the book, "Showing Mary: How Women Can Share Prayers, Wisdom, and the Blessings of God," Dr. Renita Weems tells us that in our moments of loneliness, when nothing or no one else can fulfill us, when it feels as though ease/satisfaction are unattainable, those are the times that Elohim is calling out to us, calling us to seek His solace/succor/presence. As badly as I hate to admit it, never once in the midnight hour did it occur to me to tenaciously seek God instead of a sandwich and cranberry juice; I needed something immediately. Not one time did I consciously petition Jehovah Ropheka (God our healer) to cleanse me with His saving power instead of first scrubbing myself down with $18 handmade almond and goat's milk soap; I needed something immediately.

Never have I asked El-Shaddai (God who is sufficient) to be my eternal/definitive/solitary comforter, even though the things/people I used instead never provided the immediate or everlasting comfort I longed for.

Jeremiah 8:18 says, "God, you are my comfort when I am very sad and when I am afraid." Jesus told His disciples in John 14:16 that God would give them another "Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby)" in the form of the Holy Spirit who would be with them forever. Psalm 27:1 says, "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation-whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid? And, Hebrews 13:6 says, "So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?"

So how crazy is it to rely on things and not God when you know God is a comforter/counselor/helper/intercessor/advocate/strengthener/stanby/light/salvation/refuge/stronghold? What on earth was I thinking?

I guess the better question is why "of earth" was I thinking?

I have held idols before God, an ultimate failure! Believing that I needed things that were tangible/human to fill my holes/gaps and bring me comfort/satisfaction/happiness has led to a house full of things and a heart full of regret and in need of cleansing. My Self and my surroundings are in need of purging because I know now why I've got/used all these things. And perhaps looking at them differently/knowing the truth about them will make it easier to discard them and make room for God who is certainly more affirming.

((Sigh))…

Anybody up for a yard sale?