… Something to hold me while I’m waiting.

… Something to hold me while I'm waiting.
-- Rev. Monica A. Coleman, Ph.D


I've never been a big fan of waiting. I'm not fond of long lines, the long details before getting to the point, or waiting a long time at the doctor's office.


I hate that it takes the toaster nearly 2 minutes to crisp my waffle. I hate that it takes my coffee pot 4.5 minutes to brew enough coffee to fill my cup. I can't stand that it takes my antiquated computer roughly 7.2 minutes to completely boot up, and I find it absolutely insufferable that it takes the brown truck 15 minutes to be warm enough for me to comfortably drive. I can barely wait for night to fall so I can go back to bed, and I so have an aversion to waking at 4:30 a.m. then waiting for the alarm to go off at 5:00.


It drives me nuts to wait for someone to do something for me. It makes me equally as crazy when I have to wait to get a thing fixed because I didn't wait for someone else to do something for me. I hate waiting for payday. I hate waiting for Friday. And don't put me on a waiting list or tell me to hold on while you take the call on the other line 'cause guess what? I ain't waitin'!


Most of all – I. Hate. Waiting. For. The. Seasons. To. Change.


Now I'm not talking about winter to spring to summer to fall, not those seasons. Well, not necessarily. In a few weeks I'll be pretty sick of waiting for the earth to tilt again and bring on a bit more sunshine. Soon, the wait to see the leaves budding on the undressed trees and hear the cheerful singing birds of spring will have a negative impact on my moods making me sour and salty company. And even when spring does roll around, I'll tire of waiting for summer to turn over, then I'll tire of waiting for summer to end and fall to begin, and so on. That wait is a never ending cycle that I've learned to tolerate. But I'm not talking about those seasons.


I'm referring to the seasons of life, particularly the difficult/uncomfortable periods of life shift and makeover we all go through simply because we're alive. Each of us experiences phases of grief, sorrow, disappointment, loneliness, heartbreak, sickness, distress of some kind. There isn't one of us under God's sun who hasn't been subjected to the lows and recessions that come with living. Doesn't matter how holy and righteous you live, rain falls upon us all. Just ask Job, a man God characterized as "blameless and upright," who, even after losing everything and prodded to curse God, said "… should we accept good from God, and not trouble?"


Oh, for the conviction of Job. And, oh for his patience...


The patience in waiting for the storms/tests/ordeals to be over is part of what makes the hard seasons of our lives the toughest. And if you're like me who hates to wait for many things, your tough season will only be tougher to get through.


So, I have resolved that in order to travail through the season in which I now travel, I have to exercise a little lot more patience – and stop hating so much of the waiting. There are tools and tackle I am using to comfort and instruct me as I attentively/intentionally wait and wade through this time in my life. I have things I'm holding to while I wait.


First and foremost, I regularly seek Elohim's desire for my life right now. On my nightstand and in the basket by my bed are several Bibles. I have four versions – the NIV, the New International Reader's Version (NIRV), my dusty King James, and the conversational version of the Bible, The Message. I switch back and forth between them as I try to understand what God is calling me to do/be/feel/know/learn at this time. I even carry a small Good News Translation of the New Testament, Psalm and Proverbs in my purse just in case I get tripped up while I'm outside the house. It's possible, y'know.


Every morning – once I get over waiting for 5:00 – I thank Elohim for another day then reach for my freshly charged Blackberry where several devotional emails and feeds await me. I start with BibleGateway.com's "Verse of the Day", which reminds me of Elohim's covering over my life and keeps me centered as I take my first few conscious breaths of the day. I then scroll to the Upper Room Daily Reflections to read expressions of Elohim's goodness and reread the week's lectionary scriptures. Then I read The Christian Meditator to be sure I've got my mind wrapped around Elohim before I even attempt to take on the new mercies of the day.


There are quite a few other devotionals and blogs I read throughout the day and week. I especially enjoy Girlfriends in God, Daily Reflections from the Upper Room's Alive Now, and the Upper Room Daily Devotional one of my favorite friends dutifully sends me each day. (Bless you, Robert!) For further encouragement as I shed the unnecessary stuff in my life, I read awesome blogs about simplifying my life like Be More with Less; Zen Habits; Living the Balanced Life; and Becoming Minimalist. And among the many blogs I've stumbled upon, I absolutely love, love, love! Positively Present because it encourages me to stay alert to right now – not on what happened yesterday or what may happen tomorrow.
    
I love to read, but I also love to sing. I'm listening to and singing music that inspires me and encourages me to feel life, its perplexities and joys. Singing with my church choir feels really good, even when we're playing around and remembering the words to "Felix the Cat!" And last night, I sat on my den floor with my humming and popping Donny Hathaway, Roberta Flack, Switch, Andre Crouch, and Crusaders albums singing at the top of my lungs! That was great, guttural feeling.


And, I'm cooking! Got me and my kid on weekly meal plans! No more eating out unnecessarily. I've found I end up with a little more pocket change when we eat this way. Eventually, pocket change adds up. I'm waiting for that… patiently waiting.


Therapy, family, my church, a little exercise, and a solid group of friends who are venturing and waiting through their own seasons keep me grounded and focused on right now and being alright. They keep me from balling up in the fetal position, pulling the covers over my head, and crying my eyes out until the uncertainty/upheaval/disorientation of this journey is over. And each of them, in their own way, let me know that a chilled bottle of De Bortoli Emeri Pink Moscato is also good while waiting. In moderation, of course.


Most importantly, my GG helps me stay on purpose and walking as gracefully as I can through this season of mine. She watches my expressions and hangs on to my moods watches me as I walk and grow in faith – and she watches when I throw my personal tantrums because the waiting feels too long. GG watches me as I learn to truly love and honor myself, and she's listening to me when I tell her that she should always guard against losing herself or allowing anyone to water down her salt or dim her light (Matthew 5:13-14). Because God gave me earthly charge of my girlchild, I've got to show her not only a faithful and obedient posture, but one that's authentic so that she has seen how to both fall apart AND put yourself back together. I have to stay hopeful and anticipatory about life's possibilities so that she can too. And you and I both know that takes a whole lot of energy so I have my hands full. So full that taking my time in this season is not only imperative, it makes sense!


So I'll wait patiently for God and with all the things and people that seem to have been designed just for this season in my life. And, who knows, maybe I can help somebody while they're waiting for their season to change.

Go back to bed.

'Go back to bed', said the omniscient interior voice, because you don't need to know the final answer right now, at three o'clock in the morning on a Thursday in November. 'Go back to bed,' because I love you. 'Go back to bed,' because the only thing you need to do for now is get some rest and take good care of yourself until you do know the answer.
-- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love


For a few weeks, I've been asking God the same questions – "Where're you taking me?" "What's going on?" "What will it look like?" "What am I gonna do?" "What if…?" And, to each of these questions, I've gotten the same answer–


(((crickets)))

Really, God? I can't even get the slightest hint of what's getting ready to happen or how it's all gonna turn out? Just a word/some clue?

 

… (((crickets)))

So, (((sigh)))…


But, what I have heard God say is keep going to water aerobics and the gym so I can work my big assets off. He told me to keep eating and eat well, making sure I have plenty of fruits, vegetables, and water. He told me to keep the Shea butter, Echinacea, vitamin C, and chapstick handy for these winter months. And He told me that since I bought the gummy vitamins because I thought they'd be much easier to take, I should take them every day.


God told me to be kind to my Self, to enjoy my Self. He told me to keep doing the things I like to do – read, write, watch some movies, listen to good music. But He also told me to go outside and get some fresh air, get out of my house where everything feels sad/cluttered/reminiscent of dreams deferred. And He told me that while I was out, I should go see what I can see, see what's been happening out in the city/outside the city/in the big wide world. God said live!/explore!/be adventurous!/be!


When I asked God, "what am I gonna do?," God told me to take some stock in my Self, to take a shot at loving me fully – not my things/what I do/what I have/someone else – me. He said love me and everything I am! God said to look inside my head and give this fabulous brain of mine some dap for figuring out how to navigate through the murkiness/uncertainty of the world around me. He said to cup my heart and embrace it so I can feel that it's still beating no matter how much disappointment/setback it receives. God told me to look in but not to forget to look up and out. He told me to keep looking up so my spirits could stay up, too.


Every time I ask my Father the "what if" questions, He tells me I am His precious lamb. He says that He loves you very much and has His hand on me for something special (1 Thessalonians 1:2 MSG). He tells me to prepare my Self in all ways for what is to come. When I ask Him what that is, He reminds me that to wait on Him will prove favorable/worthwhile/precious/sure and I won't be able to "round up enough containers to hold everything God will generously pour into my life…" (Romans 5:3 MSG)


God told me not to forget that I am capable of showing/receiving deep love, of dreaming, of laughing loudly and telling some funny-assed jokes. Okay, God didn't say ass, but that's how I received it. God told me to visit with my friends, make some new and different friends, and keep my lines of communication open. He told me everybody has a story to tell, that I should listen for Him in all of them, but that I should steer clear of those whose message dripped of confusion/foolishness. He said that's just the enemy trying to get one in, trying to enter the gate to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10).


When I asked God where exactly was He taking me, He deflected my question by telling me to just sit still. He said instead of asking Him that question, focus on where I am right now/how to make the most of the best I have right now/how to be the very best in/at what I have control of right now. And He told me to stop borrowing more than 2 books at a time from the library, at least until I had read everything He was saying to me in the stack of Bibles lying at the foot of my bed.


God told me instead of continually asking Him all these questions, these questions that I had laid on His altar weeks ago, let Him do the work that's required to produce an answer. He told me the more I ask, the more it stays in my feeble, finite and flawed hands/understanding and out of His boundless and omnipotent power. God promised He would handle it in His time and His way. So, He said, chill, have faith, trust Him for all things, and do what He told me to do.


And, geez, does God know me! He knows that if I did have the answers I was looking for – just as I was looking for them – I wouldn't pay attention to the journey. I'd do something to mess it all up and miss some fabulous lessons. I would certainly miss me.


So, I'll do my best to pull up on the questions. I'll try to do an even better job of doing just what He said. For now, there are no hard and fast answers. For now, there is guidance for the meantime.


The wind'll be blowing pretty hard today. God's telling me to wear my hat and scarf and to wear some tall socks.