But at any crossroad -

But at any crossroad – in the pause that God gives us – we have a chance to stop and think. I call these pauses "Selah."
-- Nancie Carmichael


Thank you, God, for this pause... for this Selah.


Now, you know God, I did not come to this fork willingly/enthusiastically, I tried to run away from it. I fought this tooth and nail. I didn't want to stop and think. I was comfortable with what was right here. It didn't require anything of me but that I breathe and blink. It was comfy/habitual in this space; I knew what would happen tomorrow because it happened today and yesterday and all the days before that. And while that seems unexciting/unimaginative/uninspiring, the sameness of it all kept me alive/afloat.


But, I know, God, you want me to do more than just stay alive. You want me to have life fully/abundantly (John 10:10). I know. I know, God.


I guess I've been heading toward this crossroad for a long time, I just didn't know it. Or, maybe I knew but didn't want to admit it because I wasn't ready to choose between staying the same or growing on. But I ask myself, even though I'm reluctant to move out of my comfort zone, how can I acquiesce to sameness/tedium/common/regular when I have so much more life to live/give/experience/discover? Why be mediocre when I was made in excellence for greatness/service/passion?


Actually, God, if I get honest, you gave me no real choice. I mean, staying the same had become boring, not fulfilling at all. It was simply living on the surface of this life you've let me borrow. And, it was starting to feel confining and near impossible to keep stretching; in my boredom, I even pushed away those closest to me. God, was that you making that space tighter/awkward so that it became hard to maneuver/move around within it? Was that you making it less comfortable/simple/pure so that I would have to wriggle away from its ease and deception? Were you blowing and scattering the leaves from my branches to let me know there was more/better fruit to produce if only I'd just let you be the planter? Was that you God?


Whatever you did, whatever you're doing, Elohim, here I am at the crossroad, pausing/suspended, for the first time ever, to hear how you want me to go forward. And I won't move until you say so, until you're done with this lesson.


Jesus, here at this break, in the "Y" of this intersection, I can see/feel you clearly as you show me all the places where I've been wrong. I can see the residue/repercussions of living outside your will and commandments, making up my own rules to suit what I wanted to do/believed was right, then tweaking my acuity of the Word to justify my choices/actions/exploits. I see where I audaciously left your path to create one I thought was better for me but that only created chaos/decrease for me and everything/everybody around me. I see confidence crushed by failures, failures precipitated by half trys/laziness, laziness triggered by fear, fear caused by something unknown/something you've yet to reveal to me in this Selah.


Jehovah Ropheka, my healing God, at this moment of silence/truth, I am slowly and deliberately taking off a layer at a time, rolling it around in my hands/head/heart/the Word like dough in flour, examining the skin underneath for authenticity/substance/precious shoots that can grow into blossoms full of vibrancy/contentment/self-assuredness. At this turning point, I am recovering the me I've neglected/disrespected, and forgiving myself for the lack of care. Jesus, I am consoling/gently rocking/cleaving to the part of me that feels lonely/wounded/ugly/objectionable. Everything I've detested about my precious self, I am now choosing to accept/embrace with unshakable assurance/poise.


This Selah, this intermission/hiatus from distractions/interruptions you've allowed isn't terrible. It isn't dark – the light of grace is coming through the cracks and shadows of your love are dancing on my walls. It isn't grueling – every truth/reality/sorrow/ache uncovered/felt is immediately covered by sweet salve of favor/reassurance/fresh air/certainty that this is all for my good and the glorification of your Kingdom. At this defining moment, Lord, I am learning to finally see myself in the way you see me. Oh what a beautiful sight! I cannot wait to meet the person I'm becoming, the person you're threshing out of the confusion/refuse/excess no longer needed.


Lord, at this fork in the road, I welcome Selah, for only in the pause will I get a fresh breath. Only in Selah will I hear your voice in my heart. Only in Selah will I be guided righteously/gain what I need for the next trip around the corner of my life.


So, yes, I thank you, Elohom, for Selah.


Selah.