The Other Half

Yesterday morning on the Tom Joyner Morning Show, commentator Jeff Johnson offered a very passionate treatise about becoming a better father. He said that sometimes men – single and married – have a very difficult time remaining present and engaged in their children's lives because of work responsibilities, unpleasant incidents between them and their children's mother, or for shame at not being able to provide financially. Johnson contended that children not only need financial support from fathers, but they also needed time, energy, and consistency from fathers and not providing such was equally, if not more, detrimental to the well-being of children. He offered his own plea for help, taking ownership for his own failures and reaching out to men, both those inside and outside the home, who have been exemplar in consistently engaging their children to help him be the father he knows God called him to be.

When he began his commentary, he cited the many men he'd talked with who faulted mothers with making the relationships between fathers and their children difficult. Yet, because he is a man of accountability and truth-telling, yesterday morning, he shined the spotlight on men and their portion.

Well, this morning, I want to turn the beam of the spotlight back on women because, men – uh, some men – are right. We women sometimes don't make it easy for men to support and be present for their children.

Disclaimer: this "Thought…," does not include the deadbeat/ornery/lowdown fathers who deliberately disregard their children's needs and lives and maliciously withhold what they need to prosper and flourish in the world. Those men can… well, let's move on.

Now, like I said, we women sometimes make it difficult/awkward/tiring for men to support and be present for their children. And before you get all "but-wait-a-minute" on me or stop reading this "Thought…", I'll use myself as an example.

I grew up with 2 parents who loved and respected each other and showed us through words and works how to do the same. My parents have wonderful life-long friends, most of whom I call my aunts and uncles because of their enduring/endearing connection to me and my family. I have a great career; a job with meaning, a plethora of benefits, and time off for rest and as necessary. I have a house to stretch out in; degrees that ensure I'll always have some kind of work; and a little change in the bank to pay for the things we need and some of the things we want. I have awesome friends and family who support us and our ambitions, and a busload of hobbies and interests that make for never a dull day. I hold my head up high – mostly because anything different is sacrilegious/counter to who I am and grounds for a butt whippin' from my mama; I have enough confidence/determination/resilience to overthrow a slew of closed and slamming doors; and compassion enough to never hold anything against a soul. And, I got Jesus on my side when all that fails.

I am a bad Sister! How can anybody compete/compare with all that?

… especially when you psychically/cunningly/accidentally on purpose make them (a father) feel like there's no way they can. So they don't even try and, ultimately, kids suffer.

Ah, sweet confession……….

Sure, there's something to be said about a man who won't keep pushing through the bull women serve up in order meet the needs of their children. But there's also a lot to be said about the bull we serve.

Sometimes there're valid reasons for keeping our children close/away from their fathers. There may be emotional/mental challenges, substance/alcohol abuse, or violence/abuse issues that require we keep our babies away/safe from their fathers. But sometimes – a lot of the time – because of the personal inadequacies we feel, using our kids to validate us and make our lives legitimate/purposeful, we shut fathers out because we want nothing around that will take that from us. Sometimes we keep our babies away from their fathers because we fear they may like daddy better which, we think, may take away some of our power/influence/purpose. Sometimes we keep the kids away because he did us wrong and keeping the kids away is revenge. Or, maybe because daddy didn't want to be with us, we vengefully keep our kids away until he wants us back. All of that is about us, not about the kids. But it's the kids who suffer the most.

When dad's not around, our babies miss out on what only a man can provide for them. Fathers teach boys how to be men – who knows how to be a man better than a man? A father innately impacts his daughter's perception of femininity, her sexual and personal identity, and her self-esteem/self-confidence so that when a righteous man comes along, the little princess knows how to identify him.

As bad as I am, I cannot be my baby's father. That's not the role God intended for me. I no longer want to take on that role. So, on this journey toward my wholeness/peace, I've done this whole father thing differently.

First, of all, I've had to think what my baby needs. That was simple to do. That's my baby.

Then, I had to forgive myself for being/thinking so haughtily. Don't get me wrong, I was never consciously braggadocios about what I have or who I am. I never threw any of it in his face. But I also never made room for his wares either. My girl-child needs to know the full measure of who she is and where she came from, no matter who I am or what I think.

Next, I had to pay attention to my kid's rampant emotions. I know part of those wild emotions comes from not being able to answer some questions only her father can answer for her, and I really have no idea about those questions. Part of knowing who you are is being able to put your hands on/mind around some tangible ideas, but if you can't, you fill yourself with only what you know. And, for my kid, she's only got half of what she needs. I, with my "bad" Self, have stood in the way of her having full access to the other half of herself. I had to move my big assets so she can begin to contain herself.

Then, I had to throw caution to the wind, bear down, pray and listen, unpurse my lips, take my hands off my hips, think again of my baby, pray and listen some more, remove the damning thoughts from my head, then reach out. That was a lot/hard to do, and it took a long time. It was kind of like giving birth again. But this birthing/rebirth/release was for my GG.

The rest is up to them; she and her father will have to cultivate a relationship for themselves. Mama is no longer in the way – although I'm not far for when she needs to add my half to the other half she discovers.

Like Jeff Johnson says, … "and that's my truth."