Hello “Damn you!.” Good to see you!

In January, I carefully and zealously picked out my beloved, beautiful locs of 13 years. I had no plan for my hair other than to get it washed, conditioned well, and pressed once a month. That simple plan has been a good plan. No chemicals. No fancy hair cuts. A little high maintenance given my curl pattern and its instinctive tendencies, but, nonetheless, a good plan.

Like so many women, though, I equate the condition of my hair with how I feel about myself. When my hair looks pretty and healthy, I feel pretty and healthy. When it looks a hot mess, guess what? I feel a hot mess. The same was true when I wore locs. When they were fresh, clean, and the new growth tamed, I felt the same way – fresh, clean and, uh, tame. I’ve tried to deny the association, to psychologically will myself to a separation, but I can’t. I’m caught up like that. Sorry, India.Arie, I AM my hair!

Sigh…

After taking out my locs, a dear friend said to me, “Wow. Those were your trademark.” Of course she meant no offense and I took none. But, she was right! My locs defined me. In 1997 they meant I was a woman who defied societal groupthink. I was a woman who refused to be invisible, who stood out in the crowd, who was different by choice. In Nashville, my locs said, “Damn you, norms and tradition! Damn you, oh approved standards of beauty! Damn you, conformist, you mainstream unadventurous followers!” Among the crowd I worked in, my locs said, “I don’t give a flip what you think of me. I’m here. I’m staying. Deal with it!”

Now with my freshly pressed hair, there is no, “Damn you.” It’s just hair like everyone else’s. And with hair like everyone else’s, who does that mean I am?

Sigh...

Now, on a couple of occasions I tried the wash-n-go look, the Maxwell/Terry McMillan afro. Geez, did that take a lot of energy and attitude! I couldn’t keep up the sassiness that look required. That’s just not who I am. I’m a press-n-curl girl. But what does that mean?

Does it mean I can’t be a part of the natural hair dialogue? Does it mean I should not belong to the natural hair blogs that declare unprocessed, untouched hair the epitome of “good hair” and accepting/appreciative of one’s ancestral roots?” Am I now invisible/regular/just another Black woman? Well, wait, I’ve NEVER been “just another Black woman” so scratch that one. But, I have felt invisible and regular (and suspect when visiting the natural hair sites).

But, on second thought, what do “invisible” and “regular” have to do with my hair?

Give your brain as much attention as you give your hair and you’ll be a thousand times better.
-- El Hajj Malik El Shabazz (Malcolm X)

I don’t want to be invisible or regular. There’s no way I can be because I have a helluva brain. And now that I can no longer hide behind my hair – ooh, revelations! – this not-just-another-Black-woman has to speak for herself and stand out in the crowd in another way. I’ve got to free myself/show up/speak out, then, my hair will follow. Not the other way around.

Sigh… No more easy outs.

Or… because I’ve got this helluva brain, maybe I just AM a “Damn you!” kinda chick and it had nothing to do with my hair at all.

Maybe because I was unclear about the facility/power/gift of my brain, I allowed my hair to take on a life of its own and personify my “Damn you!” attitude. Maybe it was easier to show my “Damn you!” when everybody thought the hair meant “Damn you!” Perhaps my locs were the scapegoat I felt necessary for others to endure a resolute Sadiqqa. And now, perhaps I’ve unconsciously bought into the thought that pressed hair is quiet and conventional, more unobjectionable. I’ve involuntarily squashed my “Damn you!”

No wonder I’ve been missing me!

“Damn you!” is my air of confidence and competence that supersedes hairstyle, clothing, or any other outward thing that can be discarded/changed/shelved. No more excuses, disguises, or whipping boys vis-à-vis hairstyles to be who I really am – a “Damn you!” woman! I’ll be damned if let my hair do the talking/thinking/being any longer. Damn you hair complexity and psychology!

Now that I think about it, that’s the real reason I let go of my locs in the first place – so I could see me. I am NOT my hair!

Hello “Damn you!.” Good to see you!

So sweet the journey when you learn to love yourself

So sweet the journey when you learn to love yourself/accept yourself/forgive yourself/respect yourself/believe in yourself/be yourself with amazing grace as your constant friend.
-- Dianne Reeves, "Testify"

 

Once upon a time, I believed I had myself together. I believed I knew who I was and where I was going. I knew what I liked and what was unacceptable to me. I gave myself a new name and took up the mantel of making sure everybody else knew who they were, too.

Now? Well, now I still have all that going on but the vision of who I am has become somewhat blurred. I've inadvertently allowed the trimmings of life to interfere/disorder/confuse my impression of who I believe I am, and now? Let's just say perception is only a fraction of reality.

So I've decided that in this season of completion ("Thought…, 11/22/10"), it is imperative (and divine) that I mentally/emotionally revisit some "places" – past and the more present – and make an accurate assessment of how those "places" have operated in my life/how they dictate some of the things I do. My mama told me not to be too hard on myself and I assured her that I would not be. But I do have to be honest with myself about me.

Several times before, I've sought to get at the truth of who I am, and I've been pretty successful in coming up with answers and living this self – for the time being. As God graces you with the privilege of aging and you learn more about yourself, it's necessary to align what you're learning with what you already know, throw out what's false/propaganda, and be about the business of presenting your most authentic self – for the time being. Since we're always in the process of becoming/evolving/shedding, whether it's conscious or automatic, the need to take another good look keeps your feet on the arrow of purpose. If you don't take a look, you may become inundated/overburdened with basket full of maybes and possibilities/assumed roles/lots of false pretense/a bit of make-believe/confusion/self-betrayal/shame, and all that is hard to undo/recover from.

Trust on that…

Matthew 22:39 says that we should love others as we love ourselves, which means we have to love ourselves before we can really love anybody else. Of course part being able to love yourself is because you know who you are. Without this knowledge, truly loving isn't possible or, it's at least very hard to do.

And, loving somebody else? Geez, that's a whole 'nother set of "Thoughts" in and of themselves! Let's focus on the "easier" part first.

Not only must you know yourself to love yourself and others, you must also ACCEPT yourself, and for some of us, therein lies the problem. It's easy to accept the good attributes, the things that make us wonderful and pleasing to others, but what about the not-so-good things that just make you who you are? Yeah, you're very thoughtful in the ways that you care for your family and friends; ooh, but the way you gossip! Or, you are absolutely ingenious in the way you come up with solutions to tough challenges; but that smart-alecky way you present them leaves a lot to be desired! And even though the not-so-good stuff may be things you can change, knowing/acknowledging that they have made you who you are is just as important as pointing out/crediting the good. Tyra Banks said, "You've got to learn to accept the fool in you as well as the part that's got it goin' on."

Yes. Tyra Banks. That's my source and I'm sticking to it.

It's tough to begin/begin again the process of knowing/accepting/loving yourself, especially with all the noise around you. But you can't always go to the mountain or retreat to the country to spend quiet, reflective time with yourself. Most of us get to do it while taking care of the family, working, and all the other stuff we do, and lots of times we get sidetracked/overwhelmed/unintentionally drawn in to the lives of others which leaves us not doing the continual/immeasurable work necessary for introspection and assessment. We ultimately leave ourselves out, grasping at what works for now and what will cause the least amount of adjustment/conflict/explaining.

But then you realize that you've taken the short end of the stick and you're trying to stir everything in your life with it. Your life is just too big for that disproportionate little stem.

Over the years, I've learned that knowing/accepting/loving myself isn't just about what I like and where I want to go, that's just a part of it. It's about knowing why I like what I do and why I want to get where I want to go. That's the work, trying to figure out the motivations behind who you are. And if those motivations/cause/triggers are ordered by the past – and maybe a past that is not so great, geez, that's harder work to do.

But you gotta start somewhere. And today… or tomorrow. No later than that. It's almost a new year and you gotta get some stuff finished, remember?

In the knowing thyself process, maybe you have to take a look at that gossiping habit and realize how it's caused people to stop confiding in you, something you value. You're going to have to pick apart/dissect the reasons why you've felt the need to gossip and what basic need it serves for you. And maybe once you figure that out, you've tackled a portion of the battle toward replacing this habit with something more virtuous and beneficial to you and everybody in your life.

Or maybe really knowing yourself is a bit more challenging and requires the skill of professional to help you unravel some things that may be guiding (crucifying!) your impressions of yourself and influencing every move you make. You have to be honest/gentle enough with yourself to know how much you can do and when help is required. Honor the self you want to know, accept, and love by getting the helpful support you need.

Because once you get there, oh, how sweet! Actually, the journey's not so bad either if you keep your eyes on the prize – self actualization/clarity/peace. Right now, I'm feeling pretty empowered by the journey.