Would you marry you? Are you doing your best, giving your all, being the best you can be to yourself? If not, why are you pawning yourself off on someone else?
-- Iyanla Vanzant

You look forward to the day you stand before the preacher, look into adoring and hopeful eyes, and say, “I do.” You can imagine the feeling of being enveloped and involved in the life of holy matrimony. Seems you’ve waited your entire life to enjoy that time of life.

Inside the borders of marriage, you are required to consider the needs of your partner – her hunger, his warmth, her hobbies, his ideas. When married, you have good days and you celebrate with one another. You have bad days and you work it out with one another. You function with the in-laws, his friends, and her girlfriends. You talk about money, disciplining children, healthcare, spirituality, and all the other things that committed couples share for the livelihood of themselves and their union. You maintain the household together, deciding together whose talent is more conducive to which chore and duty. You find happy mediums, and sacrifice when necessary for the good of your spouse and the relationship. Inside the borders of marriage, these are the things that partners do, and you can’t wait to be a part of that body.

But first and foremost, have you considered all of that for yourself? Have you celebrated your own good days? Have you regularly applauded yourself for meeting your needs and going above and beyond to make yourself happy? Have you made yourself happy? Do you know what happiness is? Are you happy? If you’re not, how can you be happy with somebody else in your life? Are you waiting for somebody else to make you happy?

When things are not going well for you, do you shut down? Do you ball up under the covers with the door locked and ringer off, sleeping it off? Do you, instead of facing the hard stuff, throw yourself into work, drink it away, smoke it away, hit something or somebody, or call your stand-by for a quick booty hook-up? Is the way you deal with the hard stuff acceptable within a loving and lasting relationship?

What’s your relationship with money? Are you a spendthrift, unable to keep even your last dollar from burning a hole in your pocket? Or are you a miser, spending only what’s necessary to sustain your living, even haggling with the landlord each month about the fixed rent you’ve paid for many years? Are you at the limit on all your credit cards, constantly screening your calls so not to run into a collector? Do you have more money in the bank than presentable clothes on your back, or more clothes on your back than ample money in the bank? Are you able to find a medium between the two, or are you stuck on one side or the other? Most importantly, are you able to talk about your money situation with the someone you expect to spend the rest of your life with?

Do you have health issues that you’ve not checked on, not cleared up? When was your last physical? How’s your cholesterol? What’s your blood type? Is your blood free of disease? Do you have a copy of the results? Have you been to the dentist? Why are you limping? Is that mole on your shoulder getting larger? Are you eating right and well? How many times each week do you exercise to stay in shape and get your heart rate pumping? If you’re not taking care to know and do all this for yourself before you consider marriage, imagine having to do it afterward. Not only will you need to be aware of your own health needs, but you’ll have to keep up with your partner’s as well. Can you be trusted to do that if you’re not caring for your own now?

How’s your prayer life? Is it only in effect in times of need or do you thank God for each and every thing? Do you study the Word for yourself, or do you wait for Saturday or Sunday morning, or maybe Wednesday night to get a little Bible in? Do you talk comfortably about faith? Do you walk in faith? Is your life a testimony, a message, about how good God is in your life, or do you walk around forlorn, forgetting that you’ve been saved and promised eternal life? What will guide your marriage?

Is your house clean or a hot mess? What’s your relationship with your parents? Do you want children, or how is the current relationship between you and your children AND you and their other parent? Do you have any hobbies and interests? Do you pamper yourself with hot, relaxing baths, soothing rubs that make your skin soft, supple, and touchable? Do you take time to relax, thinking of nothing but the moment?

If you haven’t considered any of this, if you’re not already taking care of yourself, how then can you love and live peacefully with someone else? Being with someone else will not replace the need for you to be taking care of yourself now. No one can do these things for you; don’t expect for anyone to “save” you. You’ve got to be whole before you enter into marriage; one-half of each person in a relationship doesn’t make a whole marriage.

Sadiqqa © 2007