For a period of time.

For a period of time each month, I experience Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. In lay people terms, that’s PMS depression.

Completely fetal!

It renders me anxious, unsettled, and wretchedly down (that’s about 28 miles beyond sad). My cortisol is high and my serotonin is low. I cry the ugly cry – you know that one – and I cry it loudly. My favorite position is a fetal one, preferably performed in my bed, under layers and layers of heavy covers. During this time, the clouds in the sky hover low and dark, and it feels like the world is crumbling, and nothing can repair it.

In other words, I am sad, sad, and some mo’ kinda sad.

Usually when this phase of month (or moon) happens, I wait it out and walk with it. I search myself, calculatedly examine what’s on my mind and why it’s bothering me so, and try to be kind to myself.

Yesterday, that strategy wasn’t working so well.

“So, Jesus, why you…? And, how come…? But, Lord…? And see, Jesus… Well, what about…? And you said… When…? Lord…!? Lord, where are you?!” And, oh, was I crying the ugly cry!  And I mean loudly! 

I moped through the day, certain that Elohim was ignoring my dismay – ‘cause I’m human like that – and feeling all “oh-woe-is-me” ish. Meanwhile, the clouds got lower and the world as I know it crumbled a little more.

Now, I know that when I get loud and stank with Elohim, He usually gets quiet. Really, who do you know that’ll respond to you when you get loud wit’ ‘em? Certainly not Jehovah Shalom, the Lord of peace. And I know that Elohim gets quiet so I that will and can then listen intently to that still small voice that tells me God’s got me and all is well. But, yesterday, there was no stopping my angst!

I finally unballed myself and left the house, though still sulking.  But while sitting at a stop sign, in the middle of dry and forgotten yard, in a space where I never would have glanced, Jehovah Shammah (the Lord is present) blew a gentle wind across my face to draw my attention to beautiful white flowers growing naturally, unobtrusively, and unexpectedly beside a low concrete wall just beneath the stop sign. I heard/saw then what I needed to know –

“Beloved, here I am!”

Unexpected white flowers!

Under that stop sign, right next to that slab of concrete, in dry land, after weeks of 100+ degree weather and no rain, there was enough life to grow something beautiful, and there they blew just for me and anybody else who passed. I believe they bloomed in these impossible circumstances to remind us that even in our impossible circumstances and situations, life grows on. And I believe God showed them to me so that I could know that no matter how sad or alone I may feel, God is present.

I love the way Elohim loves on me!

Sadiqqa © 2012