There will be times when you feel misunderstood and alone. Never dwell on these things. Take time to listen to your heart, spend time with your Self. Avoid at all costs the temptation to place yourself in unhealthy, unproductive, and dishonorable situations just to avoid being alone with the depth of what you feel.
-- Yawfah Shakor

Ever knew anybody that so hated to be alone with themselves that they would do just about anything or be with just about anybody to avoid spending time alone? They so dislike or mistrust being by themselves that they surround themselves with stuff, stuff that occupies their thoughts and time and keeps them from focusing on who, where, and why they are. As a matter of fact, the last time they were forced to have a little quiet time alone with themselves, they were so frightened of the noise in the silence, they vowed never again to be quiet.

Geez, what chaos they must feel.

Oh. Sorry. Was that your toe?

Is that you? One who finds it difficult to sit with your Self and mull through your emotions, motivations, and responses to life? Are you are unable to find, face, and follow your inner voice, that persistent voice that speaks righteously from your soul about who you really are. Is it you who is unable to question and answer yourself honestly or find sense of balance because you won’t take the time to check in with you? Is it you who only understands your Self through the eyes and thoughts of others?

You border your Self by things – big things like material items that make you look like you’re important, unflustered, and protected, and other big things like bravado, pretentiousness, and narcissism. You even hold tight to little things like trinkets and knick-knacks and keeping up with whose car, house, and job are bigger and better than yours. All that stuff simply takes up space in your brain and day and doesn’t get you a step closer to understanding who you are and what you have to contribute to the world.

You drown yourself in work so you won’t have to think about how you feel, what hurts, and the length of time it takes to heal, like ignoring the pain will make it miraculously disappear instead of meet you around every corner. You listen to your music very loudly so you won’t hear the baggage rattling around in your head. You drink your way past the pain of being alone, numbing yourself so you won’t have to figure out how to handle what’s underneath. On many mornings you wake to a warm body next to you but have no idea who it is or how it got there, but can it stay so you don’t have to be alone to think?

You walk past mirrors without looking in them so you won’t have to meet the look in your eyes, the look that says you hurt, you’re angry, you’re ashamed and afraid because to do so would mean you’d have to stop, be quiet, and examine the things that make you scared and uncomfortable. Even when you brush your teeth and comb your hair, you only see your teeth and hair, not a reflection of your beauty or the perfection of your heart. You’ve covered them up for so long, avoided nurturing them for this long, you can’t see anything but a body before the mirror. And on that body, you’ve placed just enough to gather you another evening of not being alone.

What are you gonna do? Stay in a place that keeps your mind occupied and away from the dark, hurtful, and confusing places? What ends up happening then? You end up with more stuff to cover up and hide from, repeating the same cycle over and over again.

Today, start to open the closet and look inside. You don’t have to move quickly and you don’t have to do it all today. Just start. It won’t be easy. It won’t be obvious. Seek professional assistance when you need to. Instead of running from it and to something or somebody, start taking the stuff off the shelves, little by little, examining it, crying over it, peeling it apart. Then bag it up the garbage truck.

Today is that day to never care again that you’re alone.

Sadiqqa © 2007