Balancing is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself.-- Ketut





I’ve always believed that when you love someone, there are sacrifices you must make and accommodations you must sustain. I always thought that giving up some comforts and scaling down a few staunch expectations was the thing to do for love, because, in the end, it would all pan out and I’d get everything back that I put into it.

Now, as I reflect on lost love, I still believe that wholeheartedly, only now I’m realizing that there is also something else I should believe, something that I knew but forgot in the midst of giving love. I forgot about me.

Specifically, I forgot that I need/deserve/require sacrifices and accommodations because, in the end, I give back everything I get.

This morning, after prayer and quiet time, over coffee and butternut squash soup, I watched my favorite movie, “Eat Pray Love.” You’ve seen it, Julia Roberts as Elizabeth Gilbert travels the world in search of God and along the way finds God as herself. I’ve seen it, almost 200 times! And every time I see it – always at a time in my life when I most feel God calling me to Him – I get something new from the movie. Well, maybe, not new. Perhaps something I’ve failed to remember.

Today, though, it was something new. It was the very simple fact that you can love someone and not lose yourself or the things that are important to you.

See, like Elizabeth Gilbert, I am (re)learning that there is so much to love about life! We aren’t confined to little lives or predictable, everyday events. There is no book that says you must live your life in this way or that way – oh, wait, there’re lots of those kinds of books. But, if you didn’t write the book specifically for yourself, then there is no such book. The choices are yours.

I’m learning after 4 years of going all in on love that it’s not a bad thing to do if you do it with sincerity and authenticity; that it’s not bad to have hopes and dreams about a future with the one you love if those dreams are healthy and sound. It’s not a bad thing to adjust to your lover’s culpabilities/trials/pauses if you believe God is keeping both of you and has a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The bad thing is losing yourself, your sense of who you really are, in the midst of all of that.

I forgot how much I enjoyed life! I forgot how much I loved spending time with my family and friends who are extensions of me. I forgot that I loved unadulterated and impromptu girlfriend time at Sadiqqa’s Sanctuary; singing Switch and Earth, Wind & Fire songs loudly over the static and popping sounds of my old record player; and smelling of frankincense and myrrh, being called Sadiqqa, and eating Tandoori chicken and Indian flatbread while listening to Bob Marley and Peter Tosh belt out “Get Up, Stand Up!”

I forgot that I loved to take pictures of nature – water, trees, flowers, and birds. I forgot that I loved to wear and hang cowrie shells from my window to remind me of family and friends who’ve transitioned. I forgot Alice Walker, Dianne Reeves, and Zora Neale were my girls and Nina Simone sang several keys to the soundtrack of my life. I forgot how peaceful my house was when everything was in place; how my hand carved figurines represented the many elements of me; and how wonderful my bathroom feels when the eastern sun shines into it in the early morning to remind me that gifts and grace are given to me for another day. I’d forgotten the simplicity of God’s presence in my life and the reminders of His love for me at every moment in everything.

I forgot to love the texture of my hair and to appreciate the roundness of the hips my grandmama gave me. I forgot I was smart and intuitive. I forgot that I trusted myself and my sharp instincts. I forgot to listen well, nurture myself, and just be. 

And, I forgot how much I loved being GG’s mommy and her first life partner. I forgot how precious she is and that she chose me back before her time on earth to be her mommy. I forgot how good being with my baby girl makes me feel and brings out the best in me.

I forgot all that…  

And none of that is his fault. None of it. I chose, both consciously and unconsciously, to forget. I guess I thought that was what I was supposed to do – give me up/put some things out of my mind to let him live with me in his life.

The truth? I was busy being “tidy” so I’d fit easily and not frighten yet another lover away. I didn’t require that he love me as much as I loved being me.

I forgot me, so I lost my balance.

As I think about it, I’ve probably written a post like this before because I always seem to be trying to recover myself. There’s a lesson – stop losing yourself, Sadiqqa, so you can move on and not write stinkin’ posts like this anymore.

From now on, I will write about the balance and love for myself I’ve (re)discovered!

Now, to the Indian restaurant for some biryani and masala with my GG!